Farewell 2008

Last Sunday, Kristen asked me: "What was your biggest distraction for the past year? Was it him?"

I paused for a few seconds and then replied "Yes."

He was my biggest 2008 distraction. I'm sad to admit that I wasted so much because of him.

But still, there are many things to be thankful for.

Like being here in Korea, my first dreamland.

Slowly detaching

I had a long day yesterday. I couldn't get enough sleep to finish the video presentation I wanted to give my Korean Language Professor. I also had to start preparing Filipino dishes as early as 9 o'clock in the morning. Plus I have so much unfinished tasks for the semester.

While my arms are aching and my head is spinning, I felt deep sadness. I realized how much I loved Prof Gyeong Min Yu. Though I couldn't talk with her due to very poor Korean communication skills, I felt like I've told her a lot through classwork responses and emails. I just observed her from a distance but I felt like I've hugged her many times: as much as her photos I often secretly took with my small camera.

Maybe this is another case of my teacher-attachment-syndrome.

Counting My Last Days in Korea

I have less than two months to go. I'm almost determined to go back, but in my heart exists an instability of emotions. I don't want to assume 100% that I'm going back. With this predicament comes a need to prepare myself in case I won't be seeing the people whom I've come to treasure for almost a year now. The thought just pinches my heart. Last night, I was so touched with the cake and message presentation that my "wingmates" (housemates) prepared for me. It makes me sing that part of the Butterfly Kisses song: "...Of all that I've done wrong, I must have done something right to deserve a hug in the morning and butterfly kisses at night..."

This is my last hectic week for academics. I hope I can finish well. There's so much office work to do after, but I also wish I can find enough time to make Christmas cards and wrap some nice gifts. Plus packing my stuff and sending them to the Philippines.

Haaaaaayyyyyy......

KUT Virus: My KUT Experience

"You must have a boyfriend before going back to the Philippines."

These were the last words of the staff in charge of exchange students in my university a day before my flight to Korea. She knew that I never had a boyfriend in the past and she kept on teasing me on having one from KUT: a university packed with handsome guys. That became one of my first impressions on KUT: a university of fine men.

Frankly, I was not disappointed. And it WASN'T only because of the dazzling men I've met but mainly because KUT gave me an impression deeper than what the naked eye can see.

Spell ‘BUSY’

KUT life can be spelled in two ways: B-O-R-I-N-G or B-U-S-Y .

I visit Seoul every weekend to attend an English Worship Service. I am often asked, "Where do you live?" And I answer, "In the mountainous area of Byeongcheon, Cheonan, two hours away from Seoul where the weather is exceptionally unpredictable." Then the person will ask again, "So do you always feel bored there?" To which I will reply, "Not really. There are no interesting places to visit but there's so much classworks to do, job to carry and friends to have fun with."

KUT life, sure is busy. This semester, I enrolled myself in six subjects: Korean Language for Foreigners, Trade English, English Presentation, Photography, Drawing and Taekwondo classes. My Korean friends often tease me that I am just playing around because my classes are nothing compared to their major course subjects. Little do they know that I'm also having a taste of "difficult" or rather "crazy" KUT academic life trying to keep up with all the assignments, presentations and exams. There were times when I couldn't recognize the night from day anymore because I get caught in the epidemic of studying beyond 2 o'clock in the morning. I also find myself often pulled by the magnetic force of Dasan where I frequently get my planning and homeworks done .

Most of the time I ask KUT students why they are “too much addicted” to studying. I often brag about how we Filipinos can get smarter even without studying past 12 midnight everyday. I couldn’t believe how much time Korean students spend in studying when they can allocate their time into other meaningful things too. But as time went by, I discovered two things: (1) It’s hard to change their study habits which have been firmly shaped by their strict middle and high school system; and (2) Every student has a certain goal and he/she will always make sure his/her energy is focused on achieving it. I am humbled by this kind of discipline. I may find their study routines ridiculous but I know I couldn’t match up with how they can focus their life into finishing what they have started.

Focus and discipline. These are really worth admiring. Except for FAKE ones. NOT all KUT students are truthfully focused, disciplined and busy. Some are busy dating their partners while most are busy watching Korean dramas or gag shows and playing computer games. Not to mention the busyness of drinking soju with friends.


Photo Collage

But KUT is not all about studying. This small university was the first picture of KOREA for me. It is more than just an academe. It was the first to provide me a “Korean home.”

KUT has filled my mind with a gallery of photographs. Every corner of this campus tells a story that I will never forget for the rest of my life—stories about success, failure, language, money, food, fun, pain, love, family and friendship.

I only stayed here for less than a year, but I felt like five years have passed by already. I will always be thankful to all the people I’ve met here: the International House students, co-workers, House Managers and Managing Director (Mr. Yong Suk Kim whom I fondly call “Daddy”), the very accommodating professors (mainly Professor Gyeong Min Yu), my Korean classmates who struggled every time they try to speak English with me (I appreciate their translation skills so I can understand our Professors’ instructions), the foreigner friends I’ve come to value (especially Beibei) and my favorite ahjummas serving around KUT. Each one of them gave me a flavor of Korean life.

And if I were to choose three places around KUT to store in my brain’s archive of special photos, I’ll pick out the International House, Byeongcheon market and the Noraebang across the university entrance. The International House was where I spent 80% of my life here in Korea as a Resident Assistant working to help students improve their English. I can say that the work was both very tiring but incredibly rewarding too. It was where I met my “twin brother” (who was often alleged as my boyfriend. He is a very close friend and I hated how “pairing” culture in KUT can actually be disturbing). It was also where I learned how to value work and relationships more than I did before.

Meanwhile, Byeongcheon market gave me space to breathe freely. I often walk or take a bicycle ride to Byeongcheon market when I wish to clear my mind. I love the fields and the bustles of people during market day. On the other hand, I would often go to Noraebang (with my Filipino and Korean friends) every Friday and let my stress out through screaming my songs. (I wonder if I ever improved my singing skills?!).

KUT virus

It’s almost time to go back to the Philippines. I wasn’t able to find a boyfriend, but I’m glad to take a special bug back home: the “KUT virus”!

Yes, KUT made a big impact in my life and I guess I would carry the “infection” forever. I’m not talking about “Byeongcheon virus” or any disease caught from eating spicy food from the university cafeteria.

I’m referring to the contagious attitude of having passion to study, work and express one’s creativity. I’m thinking about the value of kindness to strangers. I’m talking about building long-lasting friendships.

To me, these things are far more worth than a handsome Korean boyfriend.

Long nights

It's 7:00 in the morning. I could not sleep. I'm still awake like yesterday. The clouds are still dark. It will take more time before the sun rises. This is also the same feeling that I have. Ashamed. Confused. Hurt. In a place where nobody accepts me and understands.

I hope winter ends soon. I hope to see more sunlight in my life. God is good and I still trust in Him.

Korea is very beautiful and I will do my best to enjoy it despite what I am going through.

Wala akong maisip na title

Sa loob ng limang minuto ay kailangan ko nang bumaba sa opisina ng dorm na ito para magtrabaho. Ang daming kailangang tapusin pero talagang wala akong kahit katiting na sigla para gumalaw.

Bakit nga ba ako laging naghahanap ng inspirasyon? May sarili naman akong isip, kamay at paa, pero bakit parang lagi akong naghihintay ng biyaya mula sa bukal ng enerhiya?

Gusto kong bumalik sa pagiging matapang, masigla, malikhain, malambing at masipag na "ako". Gusto kong magtiwalang muli sa aking sariling kakayahan. Gusto kong huminga nang maluwag, kumilos ng malaya. Gusto kong maging excited na gumising araw-araw.

Marami akong gustong maramdamang muli. Marami akong gustong balikan, marami ring gustong tapusin. Pero blankong papel ang laman ng utak ko. Nilamukos na blankong papel.

Tik tak tik tak.

Letting Go

Such a very old topic in a world

Full of promises and expectations

Winter is just good in photos

I experienced my first winter snowfall two days ago. It was fun taking photos despite the numb fingers. It was also nice to look at how the snow falls from above.

But aside from these, I can't seem to find anything beautiful with winter. As a warm blooded being, I prefer to hide in my cave and sleep all day long.

These cold days also bring a lot of depression. I'm in a stage of trying to stimulate my mind and push my body to move so I can accomplish my daily goals.

November 16, 2008
11:45pm
Jeju City

These were wishes that I’ve mentioned more than once before but had no clue that they will be granted immediately. It was as if yesterday when I thought that my trip to Korea wouldn’t push through, but here I am, proudly walking the streets of Seoul with my hair permed and with my feet warmed by a pair of boots that I’ll never get to wear in the Philippines.
And now, I’m almost concluding my four nights and four and a half days in Jeju island. I visited my dream museum and filled my eyes with very lovable teddy bears. I enjoyed the water fall sprinkles and the waves of the emerald green seas. I smiled a lot. I didn’t think much (except while I was hiking the more than 9 kilometer trail to the peak of Halla mountain). I laughed to my heart’s delight. I closed my eyes while smelling the island’s scent.
My heart has been badly broken many times in this country and until now, I couldn’t help but sigh deeply every time I encounter a painful memory. But despite the heartaches, the overwhelming love of God through the nature’s beauty never fails to make me grateful.
In reality, I don’t deserve any of these blessings. In a world full of unfinished businesses, unsettled failures and floating future, I actually don’t have the right to enjoy life. And yet I keep on receiving surprise packages, and I eventually recognize that I couldn’t let go of my personal dreams: my heart firmly seizes every silent wish on its way to be bestown.
And then I find myself whispering my yearnings again.
Like going back to Jeju for a sweet honeymoon.

Four days in paradise

This Jeju Island trip is a dream come true to me. God even parted the heavy clouds to give me and my co-exchange student Ron a very memorable tour.

Life has really been good. I just hope this feeling will last more.

Welcoming Pinkee

Finally, I've bought my long wanted Pinkee MSI netbook. I hope we will be very good friends, or rather, sisters.

Friendship Litmus Paper

My stay in Korea has given me a lot of experiences, of deep thinking and conclusion about friendship. I found some key ingredients to forming a litmus paper testing the "authenticity" of a person you call "friend".



Time



I think any stranger around can turn into a good friend depending first on how much you spend time with one another.



Similarity



Liking each other because you like and hate the same things, have the same thoughts, and act the same way obviously draws two people closer to one another.

Memories came flooding in. I have to stop writing, let the frustration and regrets flow like river from my eyes.

Badly needing BLINKERS

I easily get distracted. One moment I'm set towards achieving a goal or forming a habit, but the next minute, I'll be dozing off and laying my goals aside.

I need blinkers (or eye blinders) like horses do. I need to go straight ahead, run with all my might and CONCENTRATION. I don't want to end up wailing at the side of the road for missing the finish line for the nth time.

Studying Korean. Completing pending office tasks. Finishing my UP requirements. Writing letters. Sending Christmas cards. Making a life birthday list. Paying my debts. Fixing my blog sites. Compiling and organizing my files. Shaking off love and complicated friendship concerns. Fulfilling broken promises. Loving God everyday.

There is sooooo much to do. I can't have the luxury of wasting more hours.

Time lost is life lost too.

Come on, Wennah, squeeze more efforts! You'll never know how much it would take to reach the finish line.

And you'll never know if you will still be breathing until the day you arrive at the much desired end.

Pagbabalik-loob

Bull's eye ako kanina sa preaching ni Pastor Kristen. Now, I'm rethinking about my relationship with God, my character formation these past years and His calling for me. Walang dudang sarili ko ang sinusunod ko sa buhay ko. Very bad...tsk, tsk, tsk!



Naku, ayoko na talagang mag-chaha: urong-sulong parati! Kailangan ko ng matinding pagdedesisyon at disiplina! Kaya ko ito!



Marami akong gustong ibalik sa sistema ng buhay ko. Una sa lahat, ang malapit na ugnayan namin ni God. Pangalawa, ang maging masayahing tunay. Pangatlo, ang magsulat at mangarap uli.

Multi-tasker

I'm realizing now how short my attention span could be. It's hard to tie me down working on a single type of task for more than one hour.

Here I am now, writing a blog in the middle of work. I have nine items in my To Do list tonight and I keep on jumping from one item to another.

This is a disease I have to be cured of. I always start many things at the same time and seem to finish only 25% of all the things I have started. Was it just last week when I pledged to organize myself and start forming habits related to my study and work time? Plus efforts on avoiding topics related to love. When can I ever fill up a whole calendar leaf? Well, there's still tomorrow, so I should not be stuck with today and the wastes of the past.

Haaaaayyyyy.....

Still Hanging

My life is still hanging like a shirt on a clothesline.

I just go by my days trying to avoid worries and heartaches. I try to let each day pass by with as much "checks" as I can mark on my To Do lists.

Where has my heart gone? Where did the sound of my joyful chuckle hide?

I've been asking this for almost four years now. And there's more pain inside whenever I try to dig deeper for the answer.

Hatred

"Hatred is actually an expression of love." Loving You, Korean TV Drama Series 2002

Wasted

If time is empirically equivalent to money, then I'd be bankrupt by now. I've been wasting a lot. Yes, I knew it beforehand, but I still kept right on.

This is really bad.

And it can become worse if you don't stop wasting.

Give it some more effort. You won't lose anything, but will gain everything you aim for.

Come on, Wennah!

Perfect lines

I watched the ending of the Korean drama series "On Air" for the second time. I had to rewind a scene to record these lines:

"If you miss him, just keep on reminiscing. Everything has its own limitation sometime in this lifetime. When you no longer miss him, you will be able to see him for his true self. It’s not too late to forget then."

Nice, really nice...

Memory Torture

There are some things that you just can't let go. It's not because you don't want to let go, it's just that your power over that part of your brain that is capable of storing information and images is very weak.

The korean movie " A Moment to Remember" always remind me that a person's soul is made up of his memories. When they enormously fade away, life goes on only at physical level, the soul dries up and eventually dies.

It's been a whole week of trying to silence my mind and heart. It's been a week of trying to convince myself that he and I are just dead busy and that somehow we can resume on being at least more than civil to one another soon.

But this is torture to me. The days are tearing off from the calendar but we are drifting farther away from one another. It could have been fine if my rationalization can clear my brain and emotions of my care and worries about him, but the memories overpower such state. He has been too kind to me for five months in a row and it's almost impossible to replace those memories.

Forgetting him is like walking into a very large gallery of paintings: destroying one masterpiece after another. How can you possibly do that in all willfullness?

Chopseuy

My mind is a mixture of thoughts and my heart a bowl of emotions. I want to write about friendship, about controlling my day (and not getting controlled), and about how I still feel (honestly) about him. But here I am, wanting to sleep as soon as I can, and worrying about my Korean class tomorrow. I hate this kind of feeling. I hate this suppression. Especially when I'm in the mood to write a long chronicle of my complicated days.

And I especially hate the contradictions of my thoughts, feelings and actions. At one point, I want to leave him alone and never come back to his side, and then at another second, I'll bother about my dream of him laying his head on my shoulder. I saw him today and I want to tease him like before. I want to give him a pat, or a hug. I want to talk with him and ask about his day. I soooooo miss him. But then again, I pushed the control buttons and just managed to call his name, smile and give his tummy two small punches.

Why do I keep on thinking of him when I now know that he values me less? I'm wasting more energy and I'm losing my precious time. But why? Why does he occupy a corner of my heart and never leaves it no matter how hard I push him away? Or am I really trying hard?

Well, this inner debate frustrates me every second of the day and I hope to claim my freedom soon. Very soon.

EXHAUSTED

Pagod na pagod ako mula ulo hanggang paa pati kaluluwa.

Marami akong natapos pero hindi pa rin sapat ang panahon para magawa ang mga dapat gawin sa maghapon.

Hindi ko pa rin maramdaman ang tunay na kalayaan ng damdamin. At hindi ko pa rin marinig ang tunog ng halakhak na dulot ng ligaya ng puso.

Marami rin akong namimiss. Tao, bagay, pangyayari. Hindi ko pa rin makuhang "isnabin" ang mga puno. Hindi pumapalya ang pagdaan ng pangalan niya sa aking memorya.

Haaaaaayyyyyy......

ON THE VERGE OF BECOMING OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE

Naku, hindi ako natulog. May class ako in exactly one hour at hindi pa ako pumipikit. Bakit? Nawili kasi ako sa pag-organize ng aking buhay. In fairness, nagawa ko lahat ng nasa To Do List ko kagabi.

I hope I will function normally today. Kasalanan din ito ng kapeng ininom ko kagabi.

One thing I want to experience this day despite the aching muscles (binigla ng Taekwondo harsh warm up exercises last Friday): enjoy to the point of smiling at all times! Time and To Do lists always pressure me but I don't want to be their slave!

Aja!

Is My Heart Still Waiting?

"I'll be waiting for you, here inside my heart
I'm the one who wants to love you more.."

FILLING IN THE GAPS

I've been away for four days. Hurting again, walking like a zombie.

Tuesday was a beautiful morning. I liked the Korean lecture because I understood 90% of the lesson. Thanks to my very helpful and sweet wing mates-turned-to-friends Amy and Catherine for helping me prepare for the class.

But the day ended gloomy. After class, I went to Mr. Park's office and helped him edit his draft letter for the KUT President. Then I went straight to the soccer field, felt the soft grass, met the friendly rays of the sun and cried. I was upset with Arvin and Mark (two of the Filipino exchange students with me) with their teasing. I felt judged with the way I handle relationships with male friends. I was really hurt and pondered about true friendship.

Wednesday was a lazy morning. The four alarms I set failed to wake me up in time to go to the World Knowledge Forum. I was very tired the night before (physically and emotionally) and I told myself that if I couldn't wake up, then I will just finish my drawing assignment and go to class. Thanks for the patient guidance and constant care of Scott, my korean friend from HDorm, I'm still able to survive this drawing class.

Thursday was a busy morning. I woke up 6:45am and headed to Walker Hill Hotel for the Forum. It was a long and interesting day, almost perfect if not for the working hours and appointment I missed. I felt terrible after receiving the "reprimanding call".

I walked slowly in the shivering cold night. The high heels tortured my feet but my heart felt the worse pain for feeling the utmost regrets in my solitude.

During these times, I miss having a friend to talk with. A friend patient enough to hear my wailings. A friend who can share the warmth of a hand or a shoulder. Though I found comfort in sharing my heart out with Amy and Catherine before I slept, I still felt the emptiness inside. Worse is, tears couldn't well up.

Today is another day. A day to face my fears, to try to smile, to try to live even if I feel like dying any moment...

QUESTIONING THE FRIENDSHIP

I did not ever imagine, in the process of building a deep bond with him, that I will come to a point of questioning our friendship. But here I am now, wanting to cut all my ties and regretting the day that I took notice of him.

Is he worth my time, worries and love? Is he worth my heart willing to fight for and protect him? Is he?

I'm almost answering NO.

And I also wonder why and how this happened between us.

RESOLUTIONS

May mga bagay akong gustong tapusin nang may buong paninindigan simula ngayong linggo:

1) Malinis ang buong kwarto.
2) Matapos ang rules at posts ng wing at floor.
3) Matapos ang compendium.
4) Magsimula uli sa pagsusumite ng requirements sa UP.

At simula ngayong linggo, nais kong maging consistent sa...

1) hindi pagbabanggit ng kahit anong may kinalaman sa relasyon(BF/GF) at pag-ibig.
2) pagbangon nang maaga.
3) pagsasaulo ng korean vocabularies.
4) pagsusumite ng diary sa korean class tuwing Martes.
5) pagpapaplano araw-araw.

Kaya ko ito! Aja!

www.mysoju.com

Feeding your drama addiction. True. At nakakaloka kapag mabibitin ka ng mga naglolokong uploader, huhu!

MINSAN ULING NAGING BATA

Masaya naman sa Everland. Siyempre, katakut-takot na hilo at pagod ang inabot ko dahil sa extremely scary rides. Pero ayos lang. At least nasabi kong nakapunta na ako sa pinapangarap kong amusement park.

At may cute na stuffy sheep bedroom slippers na ako. Yipeee!!! Kailangan na talagang maglinis ng kwarto para maenjoy nang lubos ang puting tsinelas!

Ang babaw ng kaligayahan ko no?! Pero sa tingin ko, lahat ng mga gumugulang na ay may natatagong pagnanasang maging bata uli: maglaro, magwala at magsaya nang walang iniisip na problema.

Love and Hate Relationship

Parang ngayon ko pa lang nauunawaan ang ibig sabihin ng 'love and hate relationship'. Salamat kay Puno, mas naiintindihan ko na ang mga nararamdaman ko.

Ilang oras na lang at gagayak na ako papuntang Everland, ang "dream amusement park" ng Korea. Kasabay ng excitement ay tiyak kong manghihinayang ako na hindi ko mapapanood si Puno sa kanyang English presentation contest. Bukod dun ay mababawasan pa ang oras ng paghahanda ko para sa group presentation namin nina Jolly at David sa Biyernes. At siyempre, hindi ko pwedeng kalimutan na kailangan kong maghanap ng papalit sa akin sa front office duty bukas. Haaaaayyyyy...

Kanina, habang naglalakad kami pauwi galing sa Noraebang, paulit-ulit kong kinakanta ang mga linyang ito:
Take me back in the arms I love
Need me like you did before
Touch me once again
And remember when
There was no one that you wanted more
Siyempre, pinilit ko talagang mabirit ang kantang To Love You More ni Celine Dion. Naalala ko tuloy ang mga panahong kinakanta ko ito para sa mga lalaking minahal ko pero hindi kailanman ako tinapunan ng tingin. Highschool days pa yun, at naulit nung college. O diba?!

Anyway, naisip kong talagang grabe ako magmahal. Bigay todo, kaya naman ang hirap bawiin. At ang sakit? Hindi kakayanin ng kahit na anong pain killer. Nakakatawa kasi para talaga akong masukista, naghahanap ng sariling sakit ng katawan! Kung bakit ba naman kasi ang hirap kalimutan ni Puno?!

Ang hirap din niyang mahalin bilang isang kaibigan. Minsan, gusto kong laging nandiyan sa tabi nya. Gusto ko syang patuloy na alalayan, gusto kong pagaangin ang loob. Pero minsan din, parang ayaw ko na siyang makita. Lalo na kapag ipinapamukha nya sa akin na hindi ako ganun kahalaga sa kanya. Kabaligtaran ng pagtingin at pagtrato ko sa kanya.

Kaya nga parang gusto ko na lang talagang isipin na okay lang mag-Everland at wag nang abalahin ang hindi ko pagpunta sa contest nya. Kalimutan na rin ang utang na loob ko sa kanya nung pumunta sya sa tambourine dance presentation ko sa church. Hindi naman pala "big deal" sa kanya eh. Fine!

Hay naku, pakiramdam ko talaga, kahit manatili akong "sapa" para sa kanya, wala na ring silbi ang yaman ng tubig ko dahil tuyot na ang kanyang mga dahon at panahon na para siya ay aking lisanin.

EXPRESS SINIGANG

Mantakin mo, nakapagluto ako ng chicken sinigang in 15 minutes gamit ang microwave! Grabe, unbelievable dahil nakuha ko ang perfect taste na hinahanap-hanap ng aking dila. Salamat sa aking anak-anakan, si Arvin (kasama kong exchange student) na sinaluhan ako sa aking munting recipe. ^^

NERBIYOS, SELOS, HINAGPIS, PANGHIHINAYANG, TAKOT

NERBIYOS
Kagagawan ito ng kape. Ang tigas kasi ng ulo, sinabi nang wag lalampas sa isang baso ng kape kapag puyat na puyat eh! Akala mo may drum festival sa loob ng puso, grabe sa paghataw ang pulse rate!

SELOS
Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit kahit ilang beses ko sabihin sa sarili ko na natutunan ko na "siyang" kalimutan ay hindi ko pa rin magawang pigilan ang palihim na pag-irap ng aking mga mata at pagtatangkang magpanggap na walang epekto sa akin ang kawalan ko ng espasyo sa "kanyang buhay". Ginusto kong daanin sa biro, pero hindi ko rin naman nagawa. Ewan ko ba kung bakit kailangang mag-react ng puso ko dahil sa lantarang pakikipagharutan niya sa kanyang "adorable girl" na may kasintahan namang iba! At kung bakit ba hindi mapalampas ng utak ko ang mga imahe ng kanyang mga itinuturing na malalapit na kaibigan sa powerpoint presentation na inihahanda niya para sa isang contest! Bakit nga ba hindi, e halos puro babae yung nakita ko at ni hindi nag-appear kahit background man lamang ang aking mukha! To think na tinatawag niya akong "kakambal na kapatid" at soulmate! Buhay niya ang tema ng kanyang presentasyon, at ni hindi ko naramdaman na may bahagi ako, kahit kakaunti sa kanyang kasaysayan. Grrrrr!!!

HINAGPIS
Sa gitna ng paghahabol ng deadline ko sa trabaho ay umiiyak ako sa harap ng computer! Hinayaan ko na lamang ang sarili kong mag-emote kasabay ng mga awitin ni Lea Salonga at Regine Velasquez. Hinayaan ko na rin na mahabag ako sa aking sarili, sa kabila ng panatang iiwasan ko na ang ganitong gawi. Mahirap talagang gawing bato ang puso lalo kung laging kinukurot ng malungkot na kalagayan ng iyong pamilya na malayo sa'yo.

PANGHIHINAYANG
Hindi pa ako makakabili ng laptop gaya ng pinlano ko. Matapos magparamdam ang kapatid ko na kailangan niya ng pera para sa kanyang Microbiology tour, kinuwenta ko uli ang budget ko. Kukulangin na. Kaya goodbye muna sa aking dream pink MSI Wind netbook. Magbabayad na lang muna ako ng mga utang sa Pinas.

TAKOT
Ayoko pang umuwi ng Pilipinas. Natatakot ako sa "next episode" ng buhay ko. Hindi ko sure kung gagraduate ako. Hindi ko rin sure kung saan ako magtatrabaho. Walang sigurado. Walang tiyak na plano.
Kahapon naman (actually nung isang araw na pala kasi alauna na ngayon), sa bus ride ko pauwi galing sa Cheonan Festival, may isang ahjussi (manong) na nagwala dahil hindi huminto si mamang driver nung pumara siya. Sobrang nagalit siya at tumilapon ang bintana ng exit door nung pinagsisisipa niya ito habang malutong na nagmumura in korean. Sinugod niya ang driver at pinabababa kaming lahat (sardinas na pasahero ng bus na iyon)! Akala mo holdup scene na dahil scary talaga si ahjussi! Buti na lang sumuko rin siya at hinayaan na kaming tumuloy sa byahe. Haaaay...

Tumanda nang pasulong, hindi paurong!

Isa sa malaking "struggle" ko ngayon ay ang pagtanggap sa katotohanang tumatanda ako nang paurong. Sa halip na patuloy na tumayo sa sariling mga paa, lumakad nang diretso at humantong sa patutunguhan, kung bakit nga ba ngayon ko pa mas naiisipang huminto, maghanap ng kasama, lumingon sa kung saan-saang direksyon at magmukmok.

Maraming nakakikilala sa akin bilang isang matapang na babae. Labing-anim na taong gulang ako nang magsimula akong umasa sa aking sarili. Siyam na taon na ang lumipas. Akala ko ay sanay na ako na umasa lamang sa Diyos at hindi kaninuman, kahit sa aking sariling pamilya. Pero mali. Kung kelan pinatibay na ako ng panahon at mga karanasan, ngayon pa ako naghahanap ng bisig na mahahawakan at balikat na masasandalan. Kung kelan natuto na akong tanggapin ang sarili ko at humarap sa mundo nang buong tapang sa kabila ng marami kong kahinaan, ngayon pa ako naghahanap ng mga taong tatanggap, makaiintindi at susuporta sa akin.

Ang buong akala ko, makakahanap ako ng ganoong klase ng mga kaibigan dito sa Korea. Nagkamali ako. Hindi pala sapat na ipakita mo kung gaano ka magbigay ng importansya sa mga taong halos ituring mo nang kapamilya. Hindi pala sapat na ibigay mo sa kanila ang anumang pwede mong ibigay. Sa huli, pupulutin mo lamang ang mga piraso ng iyong sarili dahil mapagtatanto mong "iba ka" sa kanila, at "iba sila" sa iyo.

Siyempre masakit. Kasi umasa ka. Umasa ka na may makikiramay sa'yo. Na kahit mas matanda ka at mahirap kang intindihin, may magsasabi sa'yo ng "Sige, iiyak mo lang yan, sasamahan kita..." Na kahit kakaiba ka, may tatanggap sa'yo nang buong-buo.

Hindi pala ganoon kadaling humanap ng ganoong uri ng mga tao. Hindi pala ganun kadaling magtiwala at umasa...

Kaya dapat, makuntento ka. Magpasalamat sa kung ano ang meron at wala. Alalahanin na mayroon ka namang mga tunay na kawaksi kahit mabibilang mo lang sila sa isa mong kamay.

At huwag nang umasa sa iba. Huwag nang sumandig. Magbigay na lang nang walang hinihinging kapalit. Maki-"join" kung keri mong makisabay. Maghanap ng ibang pwesto kung walang mapuwestuhan sa tumpukan. Masanay nang kumain mag-isa. Mag-enjoy kasama ang chopsticks at kimchi. Lumakad nang nakangiti at hindi laging nakakunot ang noo.

Kung aasa ka, sa langit ka tumingin. Dun ka rin bumulong. Kasi mas siguradong pakikinggan ka. Kahit ano pa ang hitsura, ugali o nakaraan mo, tanggap ka ng May-ari ng kalawakan.

At lumakad ka nang diretso. Okey lang huminto at lumingon paminsan-minsan pero huwag masyado magsayang ng panahon! TAPUSIN ang mga kailangang tapusin. Kapag may sinimulang laban, tapusin muna iyon bago sumuong sa bagong gyera. Huwag magsayang ng bala!

Huwag din masyado matakot. Lalo na sa iniisip at sasabihin ng iba. Buhay mo ito. Gawin mo kung ano ang dapat!

At maging consistent! Kapag nagdesisyon na kalimutan ang isang bagay, kalimutan na! Kapag buo ang isip at loob na ayusin ang buhay, ayusin na! Kung talagang gusto mong mapagtagumpayan ang maling mga gawi, kumpletuhin ang tatlumpu't araw na pagdidisiplina!

Kaya mo 'yan! Sulong!