Moving blog spaces

I felt like moving into a new house. I decided to move to Wordpress.com (http://wenasadorra.wordpress.com) for my daily blogs. It is more convenient there because of being able to use more features. But still, though I will be visiting that site more often, I will choose to keep this blog. Maybe, it will be more of a literary blog from now on. Since this is my first serious blog site, I plan to keep this for a long time. maybe until the day I die.

Fight or Flight Response

As an aid to my English teaching, I made a powerpoint on Stress. One of the questions I wrote was about the "fight or flight" response. It is something I just also learned recently (or relearned, because I think I've encountered this in one of my Psychology subjects).

Nowadays, I've been back to "the day controlling myself instead of me controlling the day". I feel so down, tired and useless. In an email I sent to my Korean professor, I said, "If only I had wings, I would fly straight to Jeju island!"

I wish to escape again. To turn off my cellphone and hide in any place where no one can find me. Flight response.

But I know that no matter how I try to escape, I have to face the reality, gather all my strength and fight. It's not easy, but I have to.

Yesterday, Aileen closed our exchange of text messaging with the line "may konsepto na uli ako ng quiet time ngayon." This is also what I want to bring back consistently in my life. I don't like running aimlessly into different directions. I need God. I want Him in every aspect of my life.

And so, I'll go back to using my stick-ons to track my accomplishments for the day. Once I get my salary, I will buy a devotional book. I want to grow more in my relationship with my heavenly Father. I still deeply believe that my satisfaction wouldn't be found anywhere but with Him.

That would be the best response I can do.

Before the impact fades away...

I have lost track of the learnings I gleaned over the last three weeks. I regret letting the thoughts and emotions fade away. I have to keep this blog site living up to its name: to capture the memories well.

Two days ago, I allowed myself to cry while standing in a heavily packed MRT. I didn't care about the staring eyes around me. All I wanted was to relieve myself of the pain.

I came from the Alyansa, Inc.'s 12th Year Congress. I tried to help by operating the powerpoint. I made several mistakes. After the morning session, Mam Glecy took some time to talk to me about my attitude towards work, service, belongingness and friendship.

I understood every word she said. She was absolutely right, but also sharply blunt. This was my number one source of fear of her: her sharpness.

She cut deeply into my soul. I could hardly breathe and smile after the small talk. She simply told me that I shouldn't treat myself like a slave all the time. I should learn how to act with confidence. I should learn how to keep my head up. In her grandmother's terms, I should put a price tag on myself.

Kilala ko rin naman ang sarili ko. Naiintindihan ko kung bakit nag-aatubili siyang mag-utos o makiusap sa akin. Ayaw kasi niya akong magmukhang alipin forever. Katuwang ako, hindi alipin. May mga pagkakaiba yun.

Masakit kasi narealize ko kung gaano kababa ang tingin ko sa sarili ko. Unti-unting napupunggok ang dating matayog na tiwala ko sa mga kakayahan ko. Ngayo'y nabubuhay ako sa prinsipyong okay lang magpaalila basta kumikita naman ako. In cases of volunteer works, okay lang basta may tiwala ako sa mga kasama ko at alam kong hindi nasasayang ang oras ko.

Palibhasa'y wala pa talaga akong napapatunayan. Hindi ko maitaas ang parati kong nakayukong ulo. Hindi pa kasi ako gumagraduate. Napakarami ko kasing pagkakamali. Hindi rin masukat ang aking mga kahinaan. Dagdag pa ang mahaba kong listahan ng utang.

Hindi maihihiwalay rito ang pangangatwiran ukol sa aking kalagayan. Hindi talaga madali ang mabuhay araw-araw na kinakailangang matiyak na may kakainin ako kinabukasan. Gustung-gusto ko tumigil sa pagtatrabaho at magsulat na lamang ng tesis ko, pero wala akong magawa kundi magtrabaho pa rin. Sa kasalukuyan ay nawiwindang ako kung paano magbabayad ng sandamakmak kong utang. Madalas ay umaatras ang mga kamay ko sa pagbili ng mga pagkaing gustung gusto kong kainin. Hindi kasi sasapat ang laman ng bulsa ko. Nakakahiya rin sa pamilya ko. Wala akong karapatang maglustay ng salapi.

Thankful ako sa mga natutunan ko kay Mam Gles. Sayang nga lamang at hindi ko siya makausap nang mas matagal tungkol dito. Napaka-emosyonal ko kasing tao, bagay na hindi nya masyadong keri kapag nag-uusap kami. Ayaw niya ng masyadong madramang usapan. Kaya kahit gusto ko nang umiyak sa balikat niya, pinipigil ko nang husto ang pagdanak ng aking luha.

Ganito talaga ang buhay. Buti na lang kahit papano, hindi pa rin ako nagpapakamatay. Ilang beses ko na naisip yun nitong mga nakaraang linggo, lalo na kapag tumatawid ako ng kalsada. Madalas kong imaginin na mabunggo ako at mamatay na lang. Natouch nga ako nung tumawag sa akin si Mam Marot early morning ng Saturday para icheck kung okay ako. Masama raw kasi ang panaginip nya tungkol sakin. Gusto kong sabihin sa kanya na nagpakamatay na ako sa imagination ko. Pero baka magpanic sya kaya nagpasalamat na lang ako sa concern nya.

Bottomline. Mabigat ang mga krus na pasan ko ngayon. Ang pinakamalaki rito ay ang krus ng pagtatapos ng tesis. Ilang beses na akong natalisod pero hindi ko pa rin binibitawan ang pangarap kong makapagtapos. Siguro para sa iba nagmumukha lang akong isang sabog na nilalang na hindi marunong magbalanse ng oras. Pero sana bago sila magsalita makita nila kung paano talaga ako mabuhay araw-araw. Sana mabasa rin nila ang laman ng puso at utak ko. Sana bago ako husgahan ay makilala nila ako bukod sa mga kahinaang nakikita nila sa aking pagkatao.

Sana may makaintindi. Sana...