Moving blog spaces

I felt like moving into a new house. I decided to move to Wordpress.com (http://wenasadorra.wordpress.com) for my daily blogs. It is more convenient there because of being able to use more features. But still, though I will be visiting that site more often, I will choose to keep this blog. Maybe, it will be more of a literary blog from now on. Since this is my first serious blog site, I plan to keep this for a long time. maybe until the day I die.

Fight or Flight Response

As an aid to my English teaching, I made a powerpoint on Stress. One of the questions I wrote was about the "fight or flight" response. It is something I just also learned recently (or relearned, because I think I've encountered this in one of my Psychology subjects).

Nowadays, I've been back to "the day controlling myself instead of me controlling the day". I feel so down, tired and useless. In an email I sent to my Korean professor, I said, "If only I had wings, I would fly straight to Jeju island!"

I wish to escape again. To turn off my cellphone and hide in any place where no one can find me. Flight response.

But I know that no matter how I try to escape, I have to face the reality, gather all my strength and fight. It's not easy, but I have to.

Yesterday, Aileen closed our exchange of text messaging with the line "may konsepto na uli ako ng quiet time ngayon." This is also what I want to bring back consistently in my life. I don't like running aimlessly into different directions. I need God. I want Him in every aspect of my life.

And so, I'll go back to using my stick-ons to track my accomplishments for the day. Once I get my salary, I will buy a devotional book. I want to grow more in my relationship with my heavenly Father. I still deeply believe that my satisfaction wouldn't be found anywhere but with Him.

That would be the best response I can do.

Before the impact fades away...

I have lost track of the learnings I gleaned over the last three weeks. I regret letting the thoughts and emotions fade away. I have to keep this blog site living up to its name: to capture the memories well.

Two days ago, I allowed myself to cry while standing in a heavily packed MRT. I didn't care about the staring eyes around me. All I wanted was to relieve myself of the pain.

I came from the Alyansa, Inc.'s 12th Year Congress. I tried to help by operating the powerpoint. I made several mistakes. After the morning session, Mam Glecy took some time to talk to me about my attitude towards work, service, belongingness and friendship.

I understood every word she said. She was absolutely right, but also sharply blunt. This was my number one source of fear of her: her sharpness.

She cut deeply into my soul. I could hardly breathe and smile after the small talk. She simply told me that I shouldn't treat myself like a slave all the time. I should learn how to act with confidence. I should learn how to keep my head up. In her grandmother's terms, I should put a price tag on myself.

Kilala ko rin naman ang sarili ko. Naiintindihan ko kung bakit nag-aatubili siyang mag-utos o makiusap sa akin. Ayaw kasi niya akong magmukhang alipin forever. Katuwang ako, hindi alipin. May mga pagkakaiba yun.

Masakit kasi narealize ko kung gaano kababa ang tingin ko sa sarili ko. Unti-unting napupunggok ang dating matayog na tiwala ko sa mga kakayahan ko. Ngayo'y nabubuhay ako sa prinsipyong okay lang magpaalila basta kumikita naman ako. In cases of volunteer works, okay lang basta may tiwala ako sa mga kasama ko at alam kong hindi nasasayang ang oras ko.

Palibhasa'y wala pa talaga akong napapatunayan. Hindi ko maitaas ang parati kong nakayukong ulo. Hindi pa kasi ako gumagraduate. Napakarami ko kasing pagkakamali. Hindi rin masukat ang aking mga kahinaan. Dagdag pa ang mahaba kong listahan ng utang.

Hindi maihihiwalay rito ang pangangatwiran ukol sa aking kalagayan. Hindi talaga madali ang mabuhay araw-araw na kinakailangang matiyak na may kakainin ako kinabukasan. Gustung-gusto ko tumigil sa pagtatrabaho at magsulat na lamang ng tesis ko, pero wala akong magawa kundi magtrabaho pa rin. Sa kasalukuyan ay nawiwindang ako kung paano magbabayad ng sandamakmak kong utang. Madalas ay umaatras ang mga kamay ko sa pagbili ng mga pagkaing gustung gusto kong kainin. Hindi kasi sasapat ang laman ng bulsa ko. Nakakahiya rin sa pamilya ko. Wala akong karapatang maglustay ng salapi.

Thankful ako sa mga natutunan ko kay Mam Gles. Sayang nga lamang at hindi ko siya makausap nang mas matagal tungkol dito. Napaka-emosyonal ko kasing tao, bagay na hindi nya masyadong keri kapag nag-uusap kami. Ayaw niya ng masyadong madramang usapan. Kaya kahit gusto ko nang umiyak sa balikat niya, pinipigil ko nang husto ang pagdanak ng aking luha.

Ganito talaga ang buhay. Buti na lang kahit papano, hindi pa rin ako nagpapakamatay. Ilang beses ko na naisip yun nitong mga nakaraang linggo, lalo na kapag tumatawid ako ng kalsada. Madalas kong imaginin na mabunggo ako at mamatay na lang. Natouch nga ako nung tumawag sa akin si Mam Marot early morning ng Saturday para icheck kung okay ako. Masama raw kasi ang panaginip nya tungkol sakin. Gusto kong sabihin sa kanya na nagpakamatay na ako sa imagination ko. Pero baka magpanic sya kaya nagpasalamat na lang ako sa concern nya.

Bottomline. Mabigat ang mga krus na pasan ko ngayon. Ang pinakamalaki rito ay ang krus ng pagtatapos ng tesis. Ilang beses na akong natalisod pero hindi ko pa rin binibitawan ang pangarap kong makapagtapos. Siguro para sa iba nagmumukha lang akong isang sabog na nilalang na hindi marunong magbalanse ng oras. Pero sana bago sila magsalita makita nila kung paano talaga ako mabuhay araw-araw. Sana mabasa rin nila ang laman ng puso at utak ko. Sana bago ako husgahan ay makilala nila ako bukod sa mga kahinaang nakikita nila sa aking pagkatao.

Sana may makaintindi. Sana...

My Nth Friday Deadline

I spent the past five days like a thesis writer on a camp out. I slept in 51 mat boarding house on Sunday and Monday then in Mam Glecy's house from Tuesday and Wednesday. And I spent the night at Aileen and She's room in KNL yesterday. For the past days, I have only been sleeping for 3 to 5 hours. Last night, I slept for 7 hours. And I felt like I wasted a lot of time since today is Friday, and I didn't accomplish my goal again-- for the nth time.

I woke up with a very heavy heart knowing that I've told a lie to my mentors and friends who kept on asking me: "How much is left in your thesis?", to which I always answer: "A few fill in the blanks left." This made me feel so guilty that I always have to find a place to hide myself.

It's really frustrating to try to finish writing a chapter and a hundred kind of distractions show up every time. And today is extra frustrating since I've received so much help and support, and yet I couldn't submit anything for completion. Every moment that my cellphone sounds for a message, I'm so afraid that my thesis adviser Mam Marot would finally summon me and scold me for not keeping my word.

I took a bath this morning and tried to wash away the negative thoughts and feelings. I said to myself: "Okay, so today is another failure to reach your goal of completion and submission, but you should not let it ruin your day. Wennah, you can't sulk in the corner and attend a 'regrets party'. You have to make the most out of your time if you really want to graduate!"

I quickly gathered my things and headed to Mam Glecy's faculty office. I planned to stay here and finish what I could. I'm trying to gather all the positive energy and inspiration that I can get and so I opened up my emails to try to look for one. I ended up checking Randy Pausch's The Last Lecture transcript after reading Gyeong Min eonni's recent blog where she wrote: "Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity."

While reading the speech transcript, I googled up Randy Pausch's biography to find out about his religion. He is a unitarian universalist which is a kind of mixed religions. Me, being a Christian believed that only in God can you be most fulfilled in life, yet I still admired how Randy Pausch lived his life to the fullest.

I wonder where my life would end up going. Here I am, struggling at finishing this undergraduate thesis, and I couldn't dare dream for something really big. I really wished I could, but I always felt that I don't deserve to dream, even to sleep, until I complete my undergraduate course.

I badly need freedom from this. And I know that inspirations can't help me alone. I need God. I need discipline. I need honesty and truthfulness.

I repent for trying to hide my weaknesses and showing a strong and affirmed aura. Actually, I am close to the worst failure of any mentoring Professor. I feel so bad about it, but I so much also want to overcome it.

I need more grace and more ability to focus and be more productive. I entrust these needs and desires unto God.

"Lord, I also want to become an influential person in my generation. Not only do I wish to become accomplished and be a pride to my parents, but I also want to show You how much I am grateful to this life You have given me and the ways that You show Your love for me everyday. I really want to live my life to the fullest, and while these chains of incompletion shackle me, I cannot move forward. Help me overcome this, Lord, not only with faith but with serious hard work. Thank you for letting me achieve everything I've got until now. Let the following week be my last deadline. I offer this great task to You, my Dad, my Master. I love You. Thank you for keeping me in Your flock, in Your mighty yet gentle hands. I place at Your feet my dreams of becoming a professor, a writer, an inspirational speaker, and a great wife and mother. Help me live out those dreams.Thank you. Kamsahamnida. Salamat po."

Pushing Myself

I stayed in Mam Glecy's house for the night. I accepted her offer to stay here and write for my thesis. She is a healthy pressure to me. And a very sweet one too.

I love the way 'Inay Gles' cares for me. I know I haven't kept much of my promises to her especially when it comes to assisting her with her research. But I'm very thankful that she was always patient enough to understand me. She actually appears to be more supportive to me than my biological mom.

Last night, I had to finish the encoding job I got from Sir Bien Lumbera through Ate Susan. I thought I could finish it early and allot more time for my thesis chapters, but it took me almost seven hours to complete it. I slept at 6am and woke up at 8am. Now my eyes crave for sleep and my head is getting fuzzier every minute.

But I won't stop here. As a form of gratitude, I will make sure that I will be able to submit my paper in Panpil 17 tomorrow to Sir Alwin, as well as the first two chapters of my thesis to Mam Marot.

I cancelled my tutoring classes again. I'm just lucky that I have very understanding students. I couldn't handle them anymore because I'm too tired to teach. My remaining energy can only be devoted to researching and writing now.

I wonder where I will get my allowance for the coming week. I don't have enough budget anymore. Plus my mom and brothers constantly keep me worried.

Well, this is my life. I still believe, largely, in the loving grace of God. I just have to do my part well too.

Naghahanap ng makakausap

Madaldal talaga ako. Ikamamatay ko ang pakikipag-usap sa sarili sa tuwing nakakaramdam ako ng matinding sakit ng kalooban.

LATE POSTS: THESIS NIGHTS

How do you spend your day?

June 12, 2009, 11:26pm

Today I woke up relatively early. I thought of my loved ones. I thought of my deadline. I thought of answering several text messages. But I neglected one important thing. I delayed my daily thanksgiving to my heavenly Father. I delayed intercession. I took for granted the daily bread that I feast from the bible. I was only concerned with what I should eat and how should I accomplish all my tasks for the day.

Today I submitted my application for graduate school in KUT. I also filed for a scholarship

grant. I'm not even sure if I did the right thing. I just kept on telling myself that I have

to go back to Korea. I don't fully understand it myself. I don't want to admit that it's colonial mentality, because I love my country so much too. I'm not sensitive with what the Holy Spirit is saying, and I have so many doubts and fears too. But the desire is there. The magnetic pull is strong. Though I can't fully explain why, I guess I will follow my heart. Even if the heart can be very deceiving, I will trust it this time.

Today, I realized, again, how valuable companionship is. It is more convenient to live in 51 mat, but it couldn't and will never replacethe excitement you feel to freely converse and laugh with your friends.

Today, I was tempted to do things my way. I wanted to give myself a break from a restless day. But I couldn't waste time. I know that if I stop now, things will only get worse. My diploma is only a few meters away. I can't let it go.

No matter how hard depression, despair and struggles challenge me, I will not give this up.

I will also keep my faith in God alive in this season.

Just mechanically working

June 16, 2009, 8:58pm

I don't know what I have been doing lately.

I feel something but I push it again to that corner of my heart

June 17, 2009, 11:45pm

I'm in Tapa King again, trying to finish my thesis. Without She with me, I have no one to talk to. After a few hours of trying to fight sleepiness with MP3s, my ears got tired of the

earphones stuck to it.

Now, I have no choice but listen to Ogie Alcasid's songs. And I'm starting to get crazy again, feeling that "feeling that I keep tucking away for several years now."

I feel like I don't have the right to love anyone, for all those that I loved before failed to reciprocate my affection. I keep on pushing the thought of falling in love again. I want to wait patiently like Ate Shawie and Ate Gavs, but it's getting really tough.

Good thing that I've got a lot in my hands to help keep my mind focus on.

Just like achieving my college diploma. Yihee!

Looking for a penpal

June 17,2009, 11:58

Funny because I feel like I'm longing for a penpal. Someone to write with.

I wished Gyeong Min eonni and Ate Louie were not busy mothers and academicians. I wished I could write to them more. But I'm always afraid to disturb anyone, especially those close to my heart.

And so in this solitude, I bank in God and in Pinkie.

But well. I have to admit that everyday, I'm also anticipating both of my elder sisters' emails.

When will I find out?

June 18, 2009, 2:02am

When will I find out if I could go back to Korea?

When will my heart be settled from worrying about the near future?

When will I finish what I am supposed to accomplish?

When will I see the sun rise without the burden of dragging myself to move?

When will I find peace and comfort in solitude?

When will I be satisfied with where I am placed by my God, my Maker, my Master?

When will my mind stop designing the path where I should be treading next?

When will I trust, completely, His heart, not just His hands

Holding this precious life?

Fighting

June 19, 2009, 12:22am

I know I have been trained for this battle. I may be crying now, but I'm sure I will be holding the victory when this struggle ends.

I'm in Tapa King again, this time with the sun shining brightly with the puffy clouds. This place has been my writing office for several weeks now (I always get the same spot I picked when I first went here)I feel so stressed out, tired and fearful. I wanted to turn my mobile phone off and head to my parents' home.

I want to give up, but my will to reach the finish line is stronger. I'm fighting every bit of discouragement right now, and it is really tearing my heart apart. I'm barely surviving with worship songs.

Aileen, my best friend, just called me. I know that she completely understands how I feel at this time. I thank God for having her in my life.

And so with my eyes all red, I force my brain to keep on working and maximize the precious hours I have left.

Father's Day

June 22, 2009, 1:54am

Another Father's Day has gone by. My family celebrated it a week earlier. I gave my father a greeting card and wrapped a nice necktie for him. I never got his response though.

I loved the sermon this morning. Or maybe I was biased with the preacher, Pastor Joey Bonifacio. But then again, I knew it was God's words that touched my heart, not his communication skills.

It was the same old father and son passage: The Prodigal Story. I've heard it preached, maybe a hundred times, since I got to know Christ when I was eight years old.

Today, what struck me was God's desire to restore relationships, no matter how bad it got or how wrecked it was. God, as a Father, is very patient, very loving.

I miss spending time with this kind of a father. I miss sitting on His lap.

And I also wonder whether my earthly father can turn into a father of grace more than a father of discipline. My bothers, my mother and I hope he becomes a genuine loving father before any of us dies.

Losing

June 22, 2009, 2:04am

I'm losing hope

I'm losing energy

I'm losing the strong will to finish

I'm losing faith

I'm losing productivity.

I need to be restored.

I cry out for help.

I cry out for mercy.

I cry out for life

And unquenchable desire to live it to the fullest.

Thankful

June 23, 2009, 3:31 am

I'm just very thankful for how God nurtures me everyday. I don't deserve His mercy, grace and kindness but I experience them everyday.

Today, I had free lunch from Mam Alma, one of my mentors and special mothers. She also gave me a very vital information for my thesis. She is indeed a big blessing in my life.

Most of the time, I only hear the sound of thunderstorms in my life and forget to appreciate the small things that God does for me everyday.

And so no matter how hopeless I may feel, I will do my best to appreciate the coolness that raindrops bring to my scorching heart.

Arrows and Bubbles

June 24, 2009, 12:25am

Was it Wednesday or Thursday last week when I last sat down in the morning to read the Bible? The only thing I remembered was to take care of what slips through my tongue.

As a very expressive woman, I've always fallen into the trap of trying to be myself without realizing that I am hurting someone in the process.

These past days, I've been causing pain, unintentionally, to people I love. I value relationships and I really hate myself when I come to the point of wanting to delete all the words I have spoken to hearts and minds.

But well, just like what I've mentioned in my Social Psychology class essays, words are like arrows and bubbles. They either hit the mark or destroy. They appear, disappear and never come back again.

I should have heed the warning. I should have avoided the traps.

But well, I have nothing left to do but to repent and do my best not to repeat the same mistakes.

Senti

Grabe, nagsesenti na naman ako.  Ang sakit lang talaga sa loob na wala akong magawang malaki para sa mga kapatid ko. Lalo na para sa nanay ko. Hindi na bale ang sarili ko. Masaya na ako kung mabibigay ko sa kanila mga kailangan nila. Tumatanda na si nanay pero ngayon pa siya bumalik sa pagtatrabaho. 

Hindi ko alam kung dapat nga ba akong bumalik ng korea ngayon. Parang hindi pa ako handa at kulang na kulang pa ang maiipon ko. Siguro hindi muna ako makakatuloy ngayong taon. Pwera na lang kung may himalang dumating at matitiyak ko na bukod sa mabubuhay ako dun kahit walang scholarship, makakapagpadala ako sa bahay kahit pakonti konti.

Kung hindi ako matutuloy, sasagarin ko na lang pagraraket. Mabubuhay naman siguro ako (pati pamilya ko) sa halagang kinse mil kada buwan di ba? 

Haggard. Buti na lang nandito si Pinkie. Forever kong karamay.

Aja!

June 8, 2009

12:38 noon

51mat 

Late posts (last week)

Face your fears, Wennah. Come on, face your fears. Do not hide. Do not lie. Do not escape. Face your fears. And overcome them.

June 2, 2009
11:35am
FC 2083, UP Diliman




May 29, 2009


It' s supposed to be my finish line. But I have to extend to one more week.

Ramdam ko ang nerbiyos sa bawat hibla ng katawan ko. Takot na takot akong hindi makagraduate ngayong buwan. Ano na lang ang mangyayari sa akin kung hindi ako makakakuha ng bachelor's degree? Ayoko nang simulang paganahin ang aking imahinasyon. Baka tuluyan na akong mabaliw.

Isa lang ang pinagpapasalamat ko sa panahong ito. Bagaman ramdan ko ang pressure sa paligid ko, mas nananaig ang pagkamanhid ko sa mga bagay na makababasag ng aking paniniwala sa Diyos at sa sarili. Mas nakakayanan ko na ngayon ang kontrolin ang sarili kong upang huwag mataranta at mawala sa katinuan.

Basta. Hindi ako titigil hangga't hindi ko nakukumpleto ang natitira kong mga kahingian para makapagtapos. Hindi ko mapapatawad ang sarili ko kung magsasayang pa ako ng panahon sa mga sandaling ito. Malaking kalokohan na kung palalampasin ko ang huling pagkakataong ito upang makapagtapos.

Haggard. Pero kaya pa. Sige lang, abante pa. Kung may tiyaga, may nilaga. Kahit gaano kaluma ng kasabihang ito, may katotohanan pa rin itong taglay.

Go lang, go! ?

My heart beats for Korea

June 2, 2009
9:30am, FC 2083, UP Diliman


I am a full-blooded Filipino. I love my country. I’m proud of my country.

But I also have another country in my heart. Korea: both North and South.

I don’t know why and how I fell in love with this country. Was it through the Korean TV drama series that I took notice of this country beyond the recognition of its flag?

I was able to step on its land on February 28, 2008. I saw the magnificence of its nature as well as its remarkable technology. I met its people. I befriended many. I found a worthwhile job here. I learned basic photography and drawing here. I knew I left with an increased wisdom.

Someone told me that I should check my motives in going back there. It must not be because of money that I would go back. I must not be blinded by the higher salary that this country can provide for me. I should not follow the footsteps of my fellow Filipinos who look up to other countries like America as their “dreamland”.

Again I say I love my country. But I love Korea too.

I can’t deny that I like the prestige that comes with going out of the country to earn more income. I will be a hypocrite if I don’t admit that I liked Korea because of its mass media and cultural influence. But I think the reason why I value this country and its people goes beyond fulfilling my self-interests.

I knew it when I feel deeply sad and burdened whenever I hear of a suicide case from Korea. I knew it when I feel troubled about their suppressive educational system. I knew it when I talk to my Korean friends and feel both their pride and insecurities. I feel deeply for them. And I wish to help them in any way. Even when it is also difficult to help myself, my family and my country.

I often visit Prof Yu Gyeong Min’s (my Korean language teacher and friend) blog site. This morning, I watched the video she posted to honor former South Korean president Roh Moo Hyun. I felt sad again, watching how warmhearted the president was as shown in his photos. I don’t know him much, and I’ve always doubted a politician’s character or way of living. But somehow today, I “paid my respect” to him. He was a human rights lawyer. An activist to the core. A president who worked to cross the borders of North Korea. A grandfather who especially loved kids. Deep inside me, I felt an enormous loss for the Korean people.

I have often described Korea as a suppressed, stressed and depressed nation. I know this is true and in a corner of my heart, I often wished that I can do something about it.

This moment, I am whispering a prayer for this country, and its people.

My Korean Professor, My Korean Sister

Professor Yu Gyeong Min. I don't know when I started appreciating her. I just noticed that she was as cute as a chubby angel during the first day of my Korean Language class in KUT. I always took her photos secretly in class. Sometimes she would see me and gently scold me with a smile. (I'm not a stalker. I did that because (1) I often get sleepy in class especially when I don't understand anything; and (2) I planned to give her, at the end of the year, a video presentation of photos taken in our classes).

But I got drawn to her when one morning, I received an email reply (after sending her some photos taken during her younger brother's wedding) asking me what's troubling me that I can't sleep when it is 4 o'clock in the morning already. I was very poor in Hangeul, so in my simplest English words, I poured my heart to her. Since then, we always exchanged emails.

She once gave me a pocket mirror with a note written in korean that said something like this: "You must keep your face smiling". I was really surprised to receive something like that. Later on, she also gave me some of her winter clothes because she doesn't want me to buy expensive clothes and she is concerned that I get sick with the very cold weather.

I like her very much. Especially that I get inspired with her life. She is married to a well-to-do husband and she has a very cute son. She is a very loving person. Many students like her because she is a very good professor. She keeps on smiling and it's really hard to guess if she is getting tired or mad. She always writes in her blog to express her thoughts and feelings. She believes in God and shows her faith. She has weaknesses too, but I see how she overcomes them.

I want to become like her. I hope to become a good professor and marry a good husband. I want to live life joyfully like her.

The best thing I learned from her recently is this: "I don't know the day when I will die. I don't want a frowning or troubled-looking face in the casket. I want to die peacefully, and smiling. Therefore, I will do my best to live my life everyday with a smile."

Perfect attitude for someone like me who can be so negative in life.

I miss her terribly. And I'm getting more excited and inspired to go back to Korea, meet her and learn more from her.

But before that, I have to graduate first. And raise my Korean language level too. ^^

Whining inside

This week is getting shorter than I expected. Deadline for submission of grades for graduating students this Summer is two days away. 48 hours to be exact. I'm sure, I'm not going to make it, so I'm not pushing myself to the limit. I'm taking it one step at a time, but I'm making sure that my name is getting on the approved list of graduating students!

I can feel the pressure through my stiff neck and shoulders. My eyes get teary most of the time due to working in front of a computer screen for the whole day. I stopped drinking coffee because it makes me less productive.

Last night, I slept for 10 hours. I thought I deserved it since I felt a bad headache brought about by several days of less than four hours of sleep.

I can hear myself whining inside. I want this suffering to end. I want to read new books, surf the internet, watch my favorite korean drama series, eat delicious meals at home and sleep more than five hours a day.

But I can't yet. Not until I finish all my writing stuffs. Haaaayyy... Imposing discipline to myself is taking all my energy.

I'm thankful that I can use Mam Glecy's room. At least, I can concentrate on writing and be more productive (plus more savings because I'm not tempted to buy food all the time).

I really love my teachers. Since I was in elementary, I think I loved my teachers more than I appreciated boys. When I look back, I'm glad I had a special space for my teachers in my heart because at least, I was naturally led into an inspiring way to live. I'm glad to have met Teacher Ria, Mam Arlene, Mam Emelie, Mam Nancy, Mam Glecy, Mam Louella, Mam Marot and Mam Gyeong Min. Each of them gave me (some are still giving me) a beam of hope.

I'm excited to reach the finish line. I'm tired of running but I won't let the whining stop me from completing this race.

Aja!

Bottling up

No one to talk to. No strength to do what I'm supposed to do. No energy left to be strong for someone else.

May 29. I'm nine days away. Nine days.

Will I graduate this time? Will I?

I need miracles.

And I need someone to lean my head on for awhile.

I badly need help.

Where should I turn to but God?

How else should I face all of these but with a courageous heart, mind and will?!

It's suffocating to bottle up.

And pretend as if I'm doing really fine...

I TURNED 26 AND I HAVE STORIES TO TELL

This might be a looong story for you, but I hope you’d bear with me and carry on reading this until the end (grant some of your time to me as a birthday gift, I’d really appreciate it).

Two months ago, I experienced a miracle. But I won’t start with that. Allow me to backtrack some more...

I should have died.

February 2003

I should have died six years ago. It was February 18, 2003 around seven o’clock in the evening when a tragic accident happened at Kamia Residence Hall where I lived. As a member of the Socio-cultural Committee of the Kamia House Council, I was supposed to man the ticket booth positioned at the dormitory’s parking entrance for the night’s concert. But I had a language class from 5:30-7:00pm so someone had to take my role. Precious Baldo, a co-resident (occupying the room across mine) who is not even a member of our committee volunteered to do the job. I was rushing after my class to replace Precious on the registration duty, but when I finally arrived at the dorm’s gate, I didn’t know where I took the guts to tell her, “Can you give me five minutes? I will just change my shirt.”

I headed to the old basement where my room was. I dropped my things and changed my shirt. After a couple more minutes I was on my way back to the parking lot when I heard some people shouting. I wondered: “What could it be?”

I didn’t suspect anything bad that time, but when I was climbing the basement stairs I felt a little nervous. I rushed to the ticket booth. Crowds were crying for help. Some people were shouting Precious’ name. I moved my way to see what was really happening. And then I was momentarily paralyzed.

There lay before me the body of my co-resident. I couldn’t recognize her face for she was covered with blood. I couldn’t look at her longer. I had to hug someone and cry out: “I should have been the one there; I should have been the one!”

I went to the hospital and visited her many times. I cried hard the day when I heard the news that she passed away. I went to almost every night of her wake. With a shaking voice, I told her mother, “I am very sorry, Ma’am. I should have been the one who died.” To which she calmly replied, “It was her time. It’s not your fault.”

That time, I really didn’t know how to handle my thoughts and feelings. I couldn’t understand why Precious had to die. It was a painful thought that someone died on my behalf.

But the fact remained that my life was prolonged. For a reason only God knew.

(see http://www.upd.edu.ph/richardong.htm for a backgrounder)

This is my ‘third life’ to live

December 31, 2008 to January 1, 2009.

I like watching fireworks display. To me, it’s always a magnificent work of art on a pitch black sky made into a giant canvass. New Year celebrations in the Philippines will not be complete without them.

But one thing I hate about the midnight transition of the year is the loud and scary firecracker bursting like canyon balls everywhere. I was also always worried about some drunken policemen showing off their guns to join the noise festival. Since I was young, I watch firework displays from the window and never get out of the house, especially when the clock strikes 12. I also prepare some cotton to cover my ears to let my pulse rate stay normal in the midst of ear whacking blasts.

December 31, 2008 was a typical New Year event. After having a sumptuous meal together, my whole family went outside our house to watch the fireworks display and greet our neighbors with paper trumpets.

I chose to sit comfortably on our long couch and flip popular TV channels to see the year end countdowns of celebrity concerts. Firecrackers were erupting louder and louder outside when I suddenly heard an explosion and felt a very hot thing slipped down my chest from the right shoulder. My eyes quickly searched for anything burning around me, and I screamed when my gaze turned to the floor: there lay a gun bullet few inches away from my feet. I looked up and saw a hole in our ceiling. My knees trembled and I almost collapsed. My parents rushed toward me and asked where I was hurt. My mother looked for any bleeding part of my body and was relieved to only find a small and shallow wound on my right chest, two inches from the shoulder.

I was shaking while telling them what actually took place. I realized that I was sitting directly below the hole of our ceiling. The bullet could in fact go straight into my skull. It could have also hit my heart or lungs. I could have died instantly. I couldn’t figure out how I survived.

But I am still breathing now. For a reason, again, I was not sure of.

The latest miracle

March 30, 2009

Now, this is not about a life-threatening event. But it was an incident touching enough to finally prompt me to write this blog.

It was a Sunday afternoon when my parents and I headed to the Shoemart Shopping Mall-Bacoor, Cavite branch for several purposes. My parents wanted to buy an item they needed and I was looking for a gift for my friend’s one-year old child, plus I had to buy a material for my youngest brother’s school project. Before going into our own businesses, my father suggested that I leave one of the two bags I was carrying (which I will bring to UP after the shopping) at the mall’s baggage counter. And so I did.

We went to claim my bag after an hour. I was searching for the claim tag, which I clearly remembered putting inside the pocket of the bag I was carrying, but I couldn’t find a trace of it. I asked my father to help me check my bag in the counter but he panicked when he realized that my bag was gone. Someone actually took my claim tag and claimed my bag from the counter!

The guards and the staff in charge of the baggage counter did their best to help me, but it was almost impossible to catch the culprit. The mall was too large and quite a long time had already elapsed. I shook my head in disbelief. I lost a bag containing the following: my laptop and digital camera charger, rubber shoes, clothes, British Council jacket, jewelry case with some of my earrings and necklace I received from my friends in Korea, and a book I borrowed from the University of the Philippines Library. It was a good thing though, that I placed my laptop and camera in the bag that I was carrying along. But nevertheless, it is quite a big loss to me, especially now that my salary is not even enough to provide for the debts I owe and the school fees I have to pay.

My mother told me she was praying for the thief to regret what he/she did and just leave my bag somewhere within the mall where we, or the guards, can find it. Amazingly, my Korean Language professor (who treats me like a little sister) comforted me with the same thought. I told both of them that it is nearly impossible. I understand how life is getting harder in the Philippines so the thief would have looked for a way to sell my valuables and earn a decent sum of money. I just gave it up.

Three days after that, I bought a new laptop charger. Then on March 30, I paid the library penalties for the lost book, without any clue that I will be receiving a miracle few hours after.

On my way to work that night, I received a text message on my phone. Someone named Rona, who is working in a stall in Robinson’s Mall-Imus, Cavite branch, informed me that I left some things in the store and that I should get it from there. I was confused. I haven’t been to Robinson’s Imus for almost two years, how can I have possibly left some of my things there?

And then I remembered my lost bag in Shoemart a week ago. I immediately called my mother to check those things in Robinson’s. I was in my office in Makati for work and I couldn’t rush to Cavite just to claim my stuff.

The shops were already closed when my mom arrived in the mall, but she managed to find the people keeping my things. She was in total amazement when she reclaimed my lost bag and found that most of my valuables were left intact. The ladies from the store were also surprised to hear my story. They said they just found my résumé in the bag and used my phone number to contact me.

The first words that came across my mind when I heard the news from my mother were: “O, you, of little faith!” I think I’ve developed learned helplessness in the Philippines: a society where people give up on principles, ideals and dreams and just go on living for survival. I also felt like I’ve lost my trust on man’s natural goodness. Whether the person who took my bag was a feeble kleptomaniac or a thief with evil intentions, I forgot the possibility that the person’s heart can movhe him to change his planned actions. More importantly, I forgot that there are invisible hands actively at work during times when I least expect them to move.

The Bottomline

May 15, 2009

God’s protection has never left my side. No matter how far I try to escape from His rules, I couldn’t get away from His grace. His love is truly unfathomable.

I’m celebrating my twenty sixth birthday today. For the past months, many people have been asking me why I haven’t completed my undergraduate degree yet, why do I still choose to survive on several part time jobs, why I didn’t stick with my intention to become a campus missionary and why I still don’t have a boyfriend. In all honesty, I can’t directly answer all these questions. Most of the time, I catch myself defending my current position using white lies. I thought I always had to lift my chin up and face my struggles with a brave heart.

But I realized I was wrong. Bravery should not root from the inner desire to prove myself unto the world. The courage to hope, to have faith and to continue loving life is not from my ability to absorb all the painful experiences and rise from them.

It should come with the discovery of the meaning to my existence—to recognize that I was not born out of a random thought or of an arbitrary emotion. I was made with a “rationale”, with an intention of adding beauty, creativity cheerfulness and love to the world.

We all have our own stories to tell. Mine are neither spectacular nor mind-blowing but somehow, I believe that these experiences aren’t worth hiding in an old chest. They are living proofs that I’m not just a “dust in the wind”. I will not just be a “name” added to a list of statistics and historical chronicles. I am HELWEENA BARRIENTOS SADORRA. And I’m living a life nobody can ever live for me.

I’m now 26. Weak. Underachiever. Imperfect. Guilty of many trespasses. Tired of counting personal catastrophes. Still single and ignorant of how to wear makeup.

But I’m enjoying life. Not every minute of it, but most of it. I’m on my way to becoming a fulltime classroom teacher—craving for learning, imparting wisdom, nurturing students and sharing more stories. (Side note: May 15 is also Teacher’s Day in Korea. Coincidence?!)

I don’t know up to when I will see the sun rise. I’m not sure when shall I cease to tell my stories. But up to that fateful day, I want to feel satisfied, to preserve my passion and to keep my face smiling wide like that instant messaging emoticon perking up a boring conversation.

xxx

Started March 31, 2009 (Bacoor, Cavite)

Completed on May 15, 2009, 1:29 am (UP Diliman, Quezon City)

On computer viruses, antiviruses and reformatting

Pinkie, my beloved laptop has gone through a lot ever since I bought her. It was barely two weeks after the purchase when a blue screen put her into a coma and made her life hanging for months. I sent her thrice to her local hospital because the "doctors" there kept on committing medical mistakes (she was sent back to me with a Korean OS installation and without the battery then sent back again without the screws). I almost stormed the main headquarters and complain about the sloppy service but the complicated process calmed me into silence.

She has been working fine when I first arrived in the Philippines, not until the past month when she started to get sick again. Viruses from our department office computers came swarming into her body and is now affecting her brain. I wanted so much to heal her by myself but I just couldn't. I have been searching high and low to find the right medicine to cure her of those evil viruses, but still failed. I wanted so much to confine her into a hospital and reformat her but I have to find an external life support (external CD/DVD ROM).

Haaaayyyy. I'm getting scared of losing my files again. I've lost a lot while I was in Korea (not just soft copy files but also some belongings which may seem insignificant to others but valuable to me) and I fear of losing more in this computer.

I can feel what Pinkie feels. I'm a living failure in many ways. I've let many viruses paralyze various parts of me. Every time I try to remove them using popular antiviruses, the more I crash and the more I get desperate to be cleaned again.

I badly need reformatting. I badly need someone to save my sanity and will to survive...

...and succeed.

Heavy Heart

Losing files and photos are heartbreaking. Especially during this time of clinging unto memories to keep oneself stronger and more hopeful.

I'm really stupid. And lazy. If I were organized enough, I could have left Korea with a light heart. Why in the world did I leave 70% of my files without a backup copy?

Now I have nothing and no one to blame but myself.

Crazy. Haaaayyy...

One thing more, I'm starting to get tired again. And doubt my abilities. I feel so inadequate. I feel so poor. I feel so alone.

How I wish to talk with someone to lift this dying spirit.

I have so little time left and so many things to accomplish before I finally achieve my diploma.

I miss warm embraces and reassuring words. I badly miss them.

Aquarium Fish

I feel like a fish in an aquarium. I see a lot of things, hear a lot of things, dream about many things.

But all I can amount to is move within the four corners of this glassed world.

I’m suffocated. I want to live freely again. Dream, aim high.

But it is easier to give up than to fight. It’s even easier to fail than to dream again.

I am but an aquarium fish. Face the same people. Live with the same family.

I am so disempowered. And I feel restless.

Let me cover the earth with my tears. Let someone hear my wailing from within.

Why here?

Why am I here? I can't figure out why I have to sacrifice my energy and time in this company when I know that I'm not well paid?

What is my purpose here? What do I have to learn?

I hope this is something I won't regret later.

Into the hands of the Almighty do I lay down my questions and pains.

Move!

I liked what I learned from Aileen (which she learned from Ate Grace): "It's easier to move a moving vehicle heading the wrong direction than move a rusting vehicle, stationary for a long time."

And I hate myself for wasting almost a month (18 days to be exact) doing nothing really significant. Haaaayyy. No excuses. Just pure laziness.

Now, money is coming in tomorrow. I have to pay my debts off then start moving to get my thesis done. I want to work soon. I have to start "replenishing" my funds. Which, I think is as hard as climbing Halla Mountain all over again.

I have to move fast. Act right. No more time to laze around. Nor doze off.

A Dream to Be Cherished

I just finished the drama Star's Lover, in korean: 스타의연인, starring Choi Ji Woo and Yoo Ji Tae. The tale was good. I liked how the scriptwriter made her characters live and how she made them express their hearts.

This drama left some photoprints in my core, longing for someone who will love me, protect me, and cherish me forever. A sweet hug, a believing smile, a gentle but firm hold of the hand are enough to make me want to live longer everyday.

Someday, I hope to find my own Chulsoo and be his destined Younghee. I don't know which part of the galaxy he would come from, but until I meet him, I will carry the memories of this beautiful drama. ^^

Signs of Stress

So my Filipino life is beginning to move again. I still miss my “fantasy world” out there, but I think I can survive with a smile for the next coming months.

Ang mahirap lang, as usual, ay wala akong pera. Kamusta naman ang pagiging pulubi mode uli ano?! Nakakafrustrate lang talaga pero wala naman akong magagawa plus wala rin talaga akong choice for now.

Parang gusto ko lang magmagic. Poof! May tesis na. Ting! Graduate na. Dyananan! Nasa Korea na uli ako!

Well, kung pwede lang sana. But no, kelangang kumayod, kelangang disiplinahin ang sarili. Kelangang umusad. Kelangan. Or else, magpakamatay ka na lang. Yun eh kung matapang kang makakaharap sa Diyos matapos mong magbigti.

Late posts (Feb 17-25)

LOST
(February 17, 2009)

I’m in the middle of a ride back home from a two-day trip with my Korean friends. A few minutes ago I felt how poor I was: I don’t even have money for food since yesterday. I was even asking myself why I went all the way to give others something that I even couldn’t give myself and my family.

Once again I felt lost. I don’t know what to do with my life at this point. I can fully understand Aileen, my best friend, who is also trying to find the right way to live her life.

Most of the time, both us think of escaping from the pressures of city life and run towards home. Though our “homes” aren’t worry-free, we know at the very least, that we can relax while eating hearty meals and sleep without thinking of where to find cash to pay rent.

I’m floating amidst various challenges and fears. Every now and then, I have to cover my ears and resist the temptation of going into pity parties. Once in awhile I have to breathe in deeply, cling to my sources of inspiration and strength then face all the shame and threats to my future using all the energy left within me.


DIGNITY
(February 24, 2009)

Where is my dignity?

I’m not talking about virginity. I’m talking about self-image.

Yesterday, once again, I felt how embarrassing my life has been in the university. And I guess everywhere too.

I just consider myself lucky. Lucky because every time I do something wrong, something good comes my way to console me.

If I die now, how would people remember me?

I don’t want to be remembered as a person who never fulfilled her promises. A person who always failed. A person who has nothing but debts.

From now on, I will not promise or say anything that I’m not sure to fulfill. I won’t stop until I succeed. I won’t borrow money anymore.

Yesterday, I met a different Mam Marot. I’m scared to face her for so many reasons. I’ve loved her so much and it hurts me to realize that I am nothing but a burden to her. I used to help her, to ease her of her own burdens, but now I am someone who stained her reputation, someone who is a thorn to be removed.

I want to do something good. I want to help, to care, to love. Why is it becoming so hard for me?

I miss the old times. Badly.

SUFFOCATING
(February 25, 2009)

I try my best to smile as often as I could. To continue moving and fighting. To always remember that I’m more fortunate in many ways.

But I’m suffocating. I’m tired…

Where is my destined greatness? Where is the victory that I should defend?

Where is the real me?

Things I'm Most Afraid At As I Go Back to the Philippines

I'm excited to go home. I'm excited to hug my family. I'm excited to see my close friends.

But honestly, I'm more afraid than excited to go back.

1) I'm afraid of the promises I did not fullfill. I'm afraid to face the people to whom I owe much to. And I guess there's nothing I can do to pay them back. The damages have been done, and there's no one to blame but me.

2) I'm afraid to fail my graduation. I have less than four months to clear everything and I only have slim chances of getting to walk on the easy road. Unless I receive miraculous favor from the Professors I will be asking for completion prerogative.

3) I'm afraid to answer questions like: "What did you do in Korea? How much did you earn there? What are your plans after?"

4) I'm afraid to miss Korea and everything I was accustomed with for almost a year.

5) I'm afraid to disappoint people who are expecting "pasalubong".

6) I'm afraid to carry more responsibilities at home.

7) I'm afraid to pay my debts.

8) I'm afraid to start working again and misbalance my priorities.

9) I'm afraid of planning for the future because I'm so confused with what I really want and what is really good for me and my family.

10) I'm afraid to face and meet up expectations of a 26-year-old me.

If only I can lock up myself in one place in the Philippines where no one can push my sanity to the limits...

How I long to sleep like a baby once more...

When loneliness creeps in...

I usually have this feeling of fear and emptiness whenever I wake up and find no one in the room except me. There goes a sudden rush of fear that I will be left alone for a long time. Very childish and insecure thought but this habit has never left me since my toddler years.

It's snowing today. I'm watching the beautiful white drops from my room window. Too bad, my digital camera couldn't capture this scene in detail.

Before I go back to the Philippines, I want to form a new habit: whenever I would feel alone. left-out, scared, sad or even deppressed, I will choose to look at the brighter things. Simple, but I know this is not easy to do. When loneliness starts to creep in, I will remember this day when I woke up in a very uneasy feeling but later on smiled at the sight of snow. If I will pick some of God's most wonderful creations, I will choose flowers, maple trees, water falls, stream and snow.

I have a very cold yet exciting day ahead of me. I hope to smile and laugh more.

Restore Me

To the God, Saviour, and Lord I've surrendered my life to almost eighteen years ago:

I can hear the sound of the clock ticking. I have been adding more hours away from your love and discipline.

I want to start calling you 'Lord' again.

Please forgive me... Restore the joy of my salvation...

Missing while hating

I hate him. But I miss him too. I'm standing on a gray line and I don't know whether to end the relationship or give the friendship another try.

This seems to be a neverending issue. And what I hate about it is that I think I'm the only one feeling this way. And no one understands why I do.

I'm about to leave Korea. And I'm really having a difficult time because of this unstable concern. Honestly, I don't know how to confront this anymore. And I can't figure out what the root of the matter is. Is it my pride? My fears? My selfishness?

When will I talk to him? Or send another email? How long will I stop myself from swinging back and forth like a pendulum? How long will I pretend to be "level headed" about this "suffering" (as he would always refer to).

If I can talk to him right this moment what should I say? How will I start? How will I end?

Maybe I can start with saying "I'm Sorry."

"I'm sorry that I couldn't be honest with you anymore. I'm sorry that I couldn't trust you anymore. I'm sorry that I didn't make an effort to explain why I kept on acting this way.

Do you know how much I struggled when I found out that you are joining the Winter Vacation English program? I didn't want to have further and frequent interactions with you. I thought it will be better if I don't see you anymore. I thought it will be more helpful to me since I have started to detach from you. I thought it would be better to hate you from a distance.

But at the same time there was a faint beam of excitement. In a corner of my heart, I wished that we can spend my remaining weeks in Korea together. These days, I don't have to worry about trying to fit in your busy schedule. We can eat together, walk together, sing together, share stories, visit some places, and just have pure fun.

And so along with my worries sprout anticipation. I waited for you to ask me if we can talk, if we can eat, sing or just stroll together. I just waited because I'm afraid to ask you. I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid that you'd just come because I am your "responsibility."

That was the word. From the moment you told me that I am your "responsibility", I started to question my relationship with you. Don't get me wrong. I also agree that friends (or even siblings) should be responsible for one another. But I couldn't face the truth that it was the primary word that comes to your mind when you think of me. I also couldn't accept that after being so open about ourselves you suddenly choose to keep me out of some vital areas of your life. I wanted to respect you and support you because you said 'there are things that a man should handle by himself.' But I couldn't because I knew that it wasn't just because you want to be a real man standing and enduring by yourself. Or when times that you can't figure out things by yourself, you'd better find another male friend to confide with. I can't see anything wrong in doing that. What I find confusing is the idea that you don't want to unburden your heart to me because you don't want me to feel jealous, to feel hurt, to feel mistreated. You just want to be there for me when I need you because you were there on the onset to help me adjust and enjoy my life in a foreign country and because I was also there for you when you needed a friend to understand and support you.

In a way, you were right. I was jealous. And hurt. Why? Because I'm your friend. I'm your sister. As you said, I'm your soul mate. It's definitely NOT because I want your attention, or I want you to like me. It's because you've taken away my right and privilege to care for you like before. To be a confidante. To be a supporter. Or simply to be someone you enjoy hanging out with. Someone you enjoy talking with that you don't mind the long hours fade away.

I was hurt because you couldn't and wouldn't believe me that I don't have special feelings for you anymore. At the back of your mind, you always want to be careful that I won't "suffer" anymore.

I thought you understood me and saw my real heart. How in the world could have I endured and enjoyed being friends with Yoojin or Jolly if all I wanted was to like you or have you for myself? I may be selfish and sensitive but I'm not a narrow minded person nor do I have a covetous heart.

My selfishness only amounts to wanting companionship. My vulnerability only covers the longing to be constantly valued for who I am and needed regardless of my age and gender. Are those too much? Is it too much to feel bad because you have time to call Jolly and consult her, but not me? Is it too much to expect a little from you? I'm not even expecting you to give me time, gifts or treats. I was just hoping to be treated purely and normally as a friend. I just wanted to be updated about what is going on with your life. Is that also too much to wish for?

A friend told me recently, "Always remember that life is like the stage act. You are the director and main actor so you can either change or retain certain characters in the storyline and that will determine what life story you will have."

I agree with her. But not entirely. I agree that I am the main actor in my stage play. But I am not the director. God is. He brought characters around me for a purpose: to bring meaning to my life. I can avoid, refuse to cooperate and turn my back on characters that I don't like to be with, but God, as the director, holds the final shot. Only He can retain, remove or substitute people in my life.

He brought you to me in this particular life scenario where my vulnerability is exposed to a lot of risks and harm. I must be thankful because He protected me by having you around to help me act my character out well.

And I feel so restless because I started to despise you. I wanted to have dinner with you last Christmas Eve. I wanted to buy you some fruit, medicine, and juices to help you be relieved from your cold and cough. I wanted to ask you to eat together. I wanted to ask you to be actively involved in the production of the Winter Play. I wanted to ask you to study together in the library. I wanted to ask you to go to Seoul on weekends when you feel better. I wanted to do many things for you before I leave, but I can't.

I can't because I don't know what will happen next.

I have close male friends in the past that I cared for, supported so much and eventually liked. I also went through the agony of being taken for granted and of being compared with other female friends. I went through the pain of waiting to heal and stabilize my emotions. But it didn't take too much time until I renewed my relationships with them. It didn't take long before they started calling me again as if nothing happened. It didn't take so much effort to be closer friends than before. Even while distance, resources, time, goals, interests, beliefs and passion separate us, I am secured that at any point in time, I can generously show my care, I can freely ask, I can liberally believe that they appreciate, cherish and need me.

With you, I'm not even sure if anything can be restored. I feel sorry that I keep on bothering you with the apprehension of totally parting away. I'm sorry that my actions are hard to understand. I am sorry that language, along with many other differences, makes it more difficult to "meet halfway".

I'm not sure if I'm coming back to Korea. I'm not sure if I will regret letting the comradeship go. I'm not sure if this will give me the peace of mind I wanted so much. "

Yes, I am not sure of anything else. But as my resolution for this year goes, I will keep on moving forward and hope for the best to come.