Why here?

Why am I here? I can't figure out why I have to sacrifice my energy and time in this company when I know that I'm not well paid?

What is my purpose here? What do I have to learn?

I hope this is something I won't regret later.

Into the hands of the Almighty do I lay down my questions and pains.

Move!

I liked what I learned from Aileen (which she learned from Ate Grace): "It's easier to move a moving vehicle heading the wrong direction than move a rusting vehicle, stationary for a long time."

And I hate myself for wasting almost a month (18 days to be exact) doing nothing really significant. Haaaayyy. No excuses. Just pure laziness.

Now, money is coming in tomorrow. I have to pay my debts off then start moving to get my thesis done. I want to work soon. I have to start "replenishing" my funds. Which, I think is as hard as climbing Halla Mountain all over again.

I have to move fast. Act right. No more time to laze around. Nor doze off.

A Dream to Be Cherished

I just finished the drama Star's Lover, in korean: 스타의연인, starring Choi Ji Woo and Yoo Ji Tae. The tale was good. I liked how the scriptwriter made her characters live and how she made them express their hearts.

This drama left some photoprints in my core, longing for someone who will love me, protect me, and cherish me forever. A sweet hug, a believing smile, a gentle but firm hold of the hand are enough to make me want to live longer everyday.

Someday, I hope to find my own Chulsoo and be his destined Younghee. I don't know which part of the galaxy he would come from, but until I meet him, I will carry the memories of this beautiful drama. ^^

Signs of Stress

So my Filipino life is beginning to move again. I still miss my “fantasy world” out there, but I think I can survive with a smile for the next coming months.

Ang mahirap lang, as usual, ay wala akong pera. Kamusta naman ang pagiging pulubi mode uli ano?! Nakakafrustrate lang talaga pero wala naman akong magagawa plus wala rin talaga akong choice for now.

Parang gusto ko lang magmagic. Poof! May tesis na. Ting! Graduate na. Dyananan! Nasa Korea na uli ako!

Well, kung pwede lang sana. But no, kelangang kumayod, kelangang disiplinahin ang sarili. Kelangang umusad. Kelangan. Or else, magpakamatay ka na lang. Yun eh kung matapang kang makakaharap sa Diyos matapos mong magbigti.

Late posts (Feb 17-25)

LOST
(February 17, 2009)

I’m in the middle of a ride back home from a two-day trip with my Korean friends. A few minutes ago I felt how poor I was: I don’t even have money for food since yesterday. I was even asking myself why I went all the way to give others something that I even couldn’t give myself and my family.

Once again I felt lost. I don’t know what to do with my life at this point. I can fully understand Aileen, my best friend, who is also trying to find the right way to live her life.

Most of the time, both us think of escaping from the pressures of city life and run towards home. Though our “homes” aren’t worry-free, we know at the very least, that we can relax while eating hearty meals and sleep without thinking of where to find cash to pay rent.

I’m floating amidst various challenges and fears. Every now and then, I have to cover my ears and resist the temptation of going into pity parties. Once in awhile I have to breathe in deeply, cling to my sources of inspiration and strength then face all the shame and threats to my future using all the energy left within me.


DIGNITY
(February 24, 2009)

Where is my dignity?

I’m not talking about virginity. I’m talking about self-image.

Yesterday, once again, I felt how embarrassing my life has been in the university. And I guess everywhere too.

I just consider myself lucky. Lucky because every time I do something wrong, something good comes my way to console me.

If I die now, how would people remember me?

I don’t want to be remembered as a person who never fulfilled her promises. A person who always failed. A person who has nothing but debts.

From now on, I will not promise or say anything that I’m not sure to fulfill. I won’t stop until I succeed. I won’t borrow money anymore.

Yesterday, I met a different Mam Marot. I’m scared to face her for so many reasons. I’ve loved her so much and it hurts me to realize that I am nothing but a burden to her. I used to help her, to ease her of her own burdens, but now I am someone who stained her reputation, someone who is a thorn to be removed.

I want to do something good. I want to help, to care, to love. Why is it becoming so hard for me?

I miss the old times. Badly.

SUFFOCATING
(February 25, 2009)

I try my best to smile as often as I could. To continue moving and fighting. To always remember that I’m more fortunate in many ways.

But I’m suffocating. I’m tired…

Where is my destined greatness? Where is the victory that I should defend?

Where is the real me?