My Nth Friday Deadline

I spent the past five days like a thesis writer on a camp out. I slept in 51 mat boarding house on Sunday and Monday then in Mam Glecy's house from Tuesday and Wednesday. And I spent the night at Aileen and She's room in KNL yesterday. For the past days, I have only been sleeping for 3 to 5 hours. Last night, I slept for 7 hours. And I felt like I wasted a lot of time since today is Friday, and I didn't accomplish my goal again-- for the nth time.

I woke up with a very heavy heart knowing that I've told a lie to my mentors and friends who kept on asking me: "How much is left in your thesis?", to which I always answer: "A few fill in the blanks left." This made me feel so guilty that I always have to find a place to hide myself.

It's really frustrating to try to finish writing a chapter and a hundred kind of distractions show up every time. And today is extra frustrating since I've received so much help and support, and yet I couldn't submit anything for completion. Every moment that my cellphone sounds for a message, I'm so afraid that my thesis adviser Mam Marot would finally summon me and scold me for not keeping my word.

I took a bath this morning and tried to wash away the negative thoughts and feelings. I said to myself: "Okay, so today is another failure to reach your goal of completion and submission, but you should not let it ruin your day. Wennah, you can't sulk in the corner and attend a 'regrets party'. You have to make the most out of your time if you really want to graduate!"

I quickly gathered my things and headed to Mam Glecy's faculty office. I planned to stay here and finish what I could. I'm trying to gather all the positive energy and inspiration that I can get and so I opened up my emails to try to look for one. I ended up checking Randy Pausch's The Last Lecture transcript after reading Gyeong Min eonni's recent blog where she wrote: "Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity."

While reading the speech transcript, I googled up Randy Pausch's biography to find out about his religion. He is a unitarian universalist which is a kind of mixed religions. Me, being a Christian believed that only in God can you be most fulfilled in life, yet I still admired how Randy Pausch lived his life to the fullest.

I wonder where my life would end up going. Here I am, struggling at finishing this undergraduate thesis, and I couldn't dare dream for something really big. I really wished I could, but I always felt that I don't deserve to dream, even to sleep, until I complete my undergraduate course.

I badly need freedom from this. And I know that inspirations can't help me alone. I need God. I need discipline. I need honesty and truthfulness.

I repent for trying to hide my weaknesses and showing a strong and affirmed aura. Actually, I am close to the worst failure of any mentoring Professor. I feel so bad about it, but I so much also want to overcome it.

I need more grace and more ability to focus and be more productive. I entrust these needs and desires unto God.

"Lord, I also want to become an influential person in my generation. Not only do I wish to become accomplished and be a pride to my parents, but I also want to show You how much I am grateful to this life You have given me and the ways that You show Your love for me everyday. I really want to live my life to the fullest, and while these chains of incompletion shackle me, I cannot move forward. Help me overcome this, Lord, not only with faith but with serious hard work. Thank you for letting me achieve everything I've got until now. Let the following week be my last deadline. I offer this great task to You, my Dad, my Master. I love You. Thank you for keeping me in Your flock, in Your mighty yet gentle hands. I place at Your feet my dreams of becoming a professor, a writer, an inspirational speaker, and a great wife and mother. Help me live out those dreams.Thank you. Kamsahamnida. Salamat po."