On computer viruses, antiviruses and reformatting

Pinkie, my beloved laptop has gone through a lot ever since I bought her. It was barely two weeks after the purchase when a blue screen put her into a coma and made her life hanging for months. I sent her thrice to her local hospital because the "doctors" there kept on committing medical mistakes (she was sent back to me with a Korean OS installation and without the battery then sent back again without the screws). I almost stormed the main headquarters and complain about the sloppy service but the complicated process calmed me into silence.

She has been working fine when I first arrived in the Philippines, not until the past month when she started to get sick again. Viruses from our department office computers came swarming into her body and is now affecting her brain. I wanted so much to heal her by myself but I just couldn't. I have been searching high and low to find the right medicine to cure her of those evil viruses, but still failed. I wanted so much to confine her into a hospital and reformat her but I have to find an external life support (external CD/DVD ROM).

Haaaayyyy. I'm getting scared of losing my files again. I've lost a lot while I was in Korea (not just soft copy files but also some belongings which may seem insignificant to others but valuable to me) and I fear of losing more in this computer.

I can feel what Pinkie feels. I'm a living failure in many ways. I've let many viruses paralyze various parts of me. Every time I try to remove them using popular antiviruses, the more I crash and the more I get desperate to be cleaned again.

I badly need reformatting. I badly need someone to save my sanity and will to survive...

...and succeed.

Heavy Heart

Losing files and photos are heartbreaking. Especially during this time of clinging unto memories to keep oneself stronger and more hopeful.

I'm really stupid. And lazy. If I were organized enough, I could have left Korea with a light heart. Why in the world did I leave 70% of my files without a backup copy?

Now I have nothing and no one to blame but myself.

Crazy. Haaaayyy...

One thing more, I'm starting to get tired again. And doubt my abilities. I feel so inadequate. I feel so poor. I feel so alone.

How I wish to talk with someone to lift this dying spirit.

I have so little time left and so many things to accomplish before I finally achieve my diploma.

I miss warm embraces and reassuring words. I badly miss them.

Aquarium Fish

I feel like a fish in an aquarium. I see a lot of things, hear a lot of things, dream about many things.

But all I can amount to is move within the four corners of this glassed world.

I’m suffocated. I want to live freely again. Dream, aim high.

But it is easier to give up than to fight. It’s even easier to fail than to dream again.

I am but an aquarium fish. Face the same people. Live with the same family.

I am so disempowered. And I feel restless.

Let me cover the earth with my tears. Let someone hear my wailing from within.