Pushing Myself

I stayed in Mam Glecy's house for the night. I accepted her offer to stay here and write for my thesis. She is a healthy pressure to me. And a very sweet one too.

I love the way 'Inay Gles' cares for me. I know I haven't kept much of my promises to her especially when it comes to assisting her with her research. But I'm very thankful that she was always patient enough to understand me. She actually appears to be more supportive to me than my biological mom.

Last night, I had to finish the encoding job I got from Sir Bien Lumbera through Ate Susan. I thought I could finish it early and allot more time for my thesis chapters, but it took me almost seven hours to complete it. I slept at 6am and woke up at 8am. Now my eyes crave for sleep and my head is getting fuzzier every minute.

But I won't stop here. As a form of gratitude, I will make sure that I will be able to submit my paper in Panpil 17 tomorrow to Sir Alwin, as well as the first two chapters of my thesis to Mam Marot.

I cancelled my tutoring classes again. I'm just lucky that I have very understanding students. I couldn't handle them anymore because I'm too tired to teach. My remaining energy can only be devoted to researching and writing now.

I wonder where I will get my allowance for the coming week. I don't have enough budget anymore. Plus my mom and brothers constantly keep me worried.

Well, this is my life. I still believe, largely, in the loving grace of God. I just have to do my part well too.

Naghahanap ng makakausap

Madaldal talaga ako. Ikamamatay ko ang pakikipag-usap sa sarili sa tuwing nakakaramdam ako ng matinding sakit ng kalooban.

LATE POSTS: THESIS NIGHTS

How do you spend your day?

June 12, 2009, 11:26pm

Today I woke up relatively early. I thought of my loved ones. I thought of my deadline. I thought of answering several text messages. But I neglected one important thing. I delayed my daily thanksgiving to my heavenly Father. I delayed intercession. I took for granted the daily bread that I feast from the bible. I was only concerned with what I should eat and how should I accomplish all my tasks for the day.

Today I submitted my application for graduate school in KUT. I also filed for a scholarship

grant. I'm not even sure if I did the right thing. I just kept on telling myself that I have

to go back to Korea. I don't fully understand it myself. I don't want to admit that it's colonial mentality, because I love my country so much too. I'm not sensitive with what the Holy Spirit is saying, and I have so many doubts and fears too. But the desire is there. The magnetic pull is strong. Though I can't fully explain why, I guess I will follow my heart. Even if the heart can be very deceiving, I will trust it this time.

Today, I realized, again, how valuable companionship is. It is more convenient to live in 51 mat, but it couldn't and will never replacethe excitement you feel to freely converse and laugh with your friends.

Today, I was tempted to do things my way. I wanted to give myself a break from a restless day. But I couldn't waste time. I know that if I stop now, things will only get worse. My diploma is only a few meters away. I can't let it go.

No matter how hard depression, despair and struggles challenge me, I will not give this up.

I will also keep my faith in God alive in this season.

Just mechanically working

June 16, 2009, 8:58pm

I don't know what I have been doing lately.

I feel something but I push it again to that corner of my heart

June 17, 2009, 11:45pm

I'm in Tapa King again, trying to finish my thesis. Without She with me, I have no one to talk to. After a few hours of trying to fight sleepiness with MP3s, my ears got tired of the

earphones stuck to it.

Now, I have no choice but listen to Ogie Alcasid's songs. And I'm starting to get crazy again, feeling that "feeling that I keep tucking away for several years now."

I feel like I don't have the right to love anyone, for all those that I loved before failed to reciprocate my affection. I keep on pushing the thought of falling in love again. I want to wait patiently like Ate Shawie and Ate Gavs, but it's getting really tough.

Good thing that I've got a lot in my hands to help keep my mind focus on.

Just like achieving my college diploma. Yihee!

Looking for a penpal

June 17,2009, 11:58

Funny because I feel like I'm longing for a penpal. Someone to write with.

I wished Gyeong Min eonni and Ate Louie were not busy mothers and academicians. I wished I could write to them more. But I'm always afraid to disturb anyone, especially those close to my heart.

And so in this solitude, I bank in God and in Pinkie.

But well. I have to admit that everyday, I'm also anticipating both of my elder sisters' emails.

When will I find out?

June 18, 2009, 2:02am

When will I find out if I could go back to Korea?

When will my heart be settled from worrying about the near future?

When will I finish what I am supposed to accomplish?

When will I see the sun rise without the burden of dragging myself to move?

When will I find peace and comfort in solitude?

When will I be satisfied with where I am placed by my God, my Maker, my Master?

When will my mind stop designing the path where I should be treading next?

When will I trust, completely, His heart, not just His hands

Holding this precious life?

Fighting

June 19, 2009, 12:22am

I know I have been trained for this battle. I may be crying now, but I'm sure I will be holding the victory when this struggle ends.

I'm in Tapa King again, this time with the sun shining brightly with the puffy clouds. This place has been my writing office for several weeks now (I always get the same spot I picked when I first went here)I feel so stressed out, tired and fearful. I wanted to turn my mobile phone off and head to my parents' home.

I want to give up, but my will to reach the finish line is stronger. I'm fighting every bit of discouragement right now, and it is really tearing my heart apart. I'm barely surviving with worship songs.

Aileen, my best friend, just called me. I know that she completely understands how I feel at this time. I thank God for having her in my life.

And so with my eyes all red, I force my brain to keep on working and maximize the precious hours I have left.

Father's Day

June 22, 2009, 1:54am

Another Father's Day has gone by. My family celebrated it a week earlier. I gave my father a greeting card and wrapped a nice necktie for him. I never got his response though.

I loved the sermon this morning. Or maybe I was biased with the preacher, Pastor Joey Bonifacio. But then again, I knew it was God's words that touched my heart, not his communication skills.

It was the same old father and son passage: The Prodigal Story. I've heard it preached, maybe a hundred times, since I got to know Christ when I was eight years old.

Today, what struck me was God's desire to restore relationships, no matter how bad it got or how wrecked it was. God, as a Father, is very patient, very loving.

I miss spending time with this kind of a father. I miss sitting on His lap.

And I also wonder whether my earthly father can turn into a father of grace more than a father of discipline. My bothers, my mother and I hope he becomes a genuine loving father before any of us dies.

Losing

June 22, 2009, 2:04am

I'm losing hope

I'm losing energy

I'm losing the strong will to finish

I'm losing faith

I'm losing productivity.

I need to be restored.

I cry out for help.

I cry out for mercy.

I cry out for life

And unquenchable desire to live it to the fullest.

Thankful

June 23, 2009, 3:31 am

I'm just very thankful for how God nurtures me everyday. I don't deserve His mercy, grace and kindness but I experience them everyday.

Today, I had free lunch from Mam Alma, one of my mentors and special mothers. She also gave me a very vital information for my thesis. She is indeed a big blessing in my life.

Most of the time, I only hear the sound of thunderstorms in my life and forget to appreciate the small things that God does for me everyday.

And so no matter how hopeless I may feel, I will do my best to appreciate the coolness that raindrops bring to my scorching heart.

Arrows and Bubbles

June 24, 2009, 12:25am

Was it Wednesday or Thursday last week when I last sat down in the morning to read the Bible? The only thing I remembered was to take care of what slips through my tongue.

As a very expressive woman, I've always fallen into the trap of trying to be myself without realizing that I am hurting someone in the process.

These past days, I've been causing pain, unintentionally, to people I love. I value relationships and I really hate myself when I come to the point of wanting to delete all the words I have spoken to hearts and minds.

But well, just like what I've mentioned in my Social Psychology class essays, words are like arrows and bubbles. They either hit the mark or destroy. They appear, disappear and never come back again.

I should have heed the warning. I should have avoided the traps.

But well, I have nothing left to do but to repent and do my best not to repeat the same mistakes.

Senti

Grabe, nagsesenti na naman ako.  Ang sakit lang talaga sa loob na wala akong magawang malaki para sa mga kapatid ko. Lalo na para sa nanay ko. Hindi na bale ang sarili ko. Masaya na ako kung mabibigay ko sa kanila mga kailangan nila. Tumatanda na si nanay pero ngayon pa siya bumalik sa pagtatrabaho. 

Hindi ko alam kung dapat nga ba akong bumalik ng korea ngayon. Parang hindi pa ako handa at kulang na kulang pa ang maiipon ko. Siguro hindi muna ako makakatuloy ngayong taon. Pwera na lang kung may himalang dumating at matitiyak ko na bukod sa mabubuhay ako dun kahit walang scholarship, makakapagpadala ako sa bahay kahit pakonti konti.

Kung hindi ako matutuloy, sasagarin ko na lang pagraraket. Mabubuhay naman siguro ako (pati pamilya ko) sa halagang kinse mil kada buwan di ba? 

Haggard. Buti na lang nandito si Pinkie. Forever kong karamay.

Aja!

June 8, 2009

12:38 noon

51mat 

Late posts (last week)

Face your fears, Wennah. Come on, face your fears. Do not hide. Do not lie. Do not escape. Face your fears. And overcome them.

June 2, 2009
11:35am
FC 2083, UP Diliman




May 29, 2009


It' s supposed to be my finish line. But I have to extend to one more week.

Ramdam ko ang nerbiyos sa bawat hibla ng katawan ko. Takot na takot akong hindi makagraduate ngayong buwan. Ano na lang ang mangyayari sa akin kung hindi ako makakakuha ng bachelor's degree? Ayoko nang simulang paganahin ang aking imahinasyon. Baka tuluyan na akong mabaliw.

Isa lang ang pinagpapasalamat ko sa panahong ito. Bagaman ramdan ko ang pressure sa paligid ko, mas nananaig ang pagkamanhid ko sa mga bagay na makababasag ng aking paniniwala sa Diyos at sa sarili. Mas nakakayanan ko na ngayon ang kontrolin ang sarili kong upang huwag mataranta at mawala sa katinuan.

Basta. Hindi ako titigil hangga't hindi ko nakukumpleto ang natitira kong mga kahingian para makapagtapos. Hindi ko mapapatawad ang sarili ko kung magsasayang pa ako ng panahon sa mga sandaling ito. Malaking kalokohan na kung palalampasin ko ang huling pagkakataong ito upang makapagtapos.

Haggard. Pero kaya pa. Sige lang, abante pa. Kung may tiyaga, may nilaga. Kahit gaano kaluma ng kasabihang ito, may katotohanan pa rin itong taglay.

Go lang, go! ?

My heart beats for Korea

June 2, 2009
9:30am, FC 2083, UP Diliman


I am a full-blooded Filipino. I love my country. I’m proud of my country.

But I also have another country in my heart. Korea: both North and South.

I don’t know why and how I fell in love with this country. Was it through the Korean TV drama series that I took notice of this country beyond the recognition of its flag?

I was able to step on its land on February 28, 2008. I saw the magnificence of its nature as well as its remarkable technology. I met its people. I befriended many. I found a worthwhile job here. I learned basic photography and drawing here. I knew I left with an increased wisdom.

Someone told me that I should check my motives in going back there. It must not be because of money that I would go back. I must not be blinded by the higher salary that this country can provide for me. I should not follow the footsteps of my fellow Filipinos who look up to other countries like America as their “dreamland”.

Again I say I love my country. But I love Korea too.

I can’t deny that I like the prestige that comes with going out of the country to earn more income. I will be a hypocrite if I don’t admit that I liked Korea because of its mass media and cultural influence. But I think the reason why I value this country and its people goes beyond fulfilling my self-interests.

I knew it when I feel deeply sad and burdened whenever I hear of a suicide case from Korea. I knew it when I feel troubled about their suppressive educational system. I knew it when I talk to my Korean friends and feel both their pride and insecurities. I feel deeply for them. And I wish to help them in any way. Even when it is also difficult to help myself, my family and my country.

I often visit Prof Yu Gyeong Min’s (my Korean language teacher and friend) blog site. This morning, I watched the video she posted to honor former South Korean president Roh Moo Hyun. I felt sad again, watching how warmhearted the president was as shown in his photos. I don’t know him much, and I’ve always doubted a politician’s character or way of living. But somehow today, I “paid my respect” to him. He was a human rights lawyer. An activist to the core. A president who worked to cross the borders of North Korea. A grandfather who especially loved kids. Deep inside me, I felt an enormous loss for the Korean people.

I have often described Korea as a suppressed, stressed and depressed nation. I know this is true and in a corner of my heart, I often wished that I can do something about it.

This moment, I am whispering a prayer for this country, and its people.