How do you spend your day?
June 12, 2009, 11:26pm
Today I woke up relatively early. I thought of my loved ones. I thought of my deadline. I thought of answering several text messages. But I neglected one important thing. I delayed my daily thanksgiving to my heavenly Father. I delayed intercession. I took for granted the daily bread that I feast from the bible. I was only concerned with what I should eat and how should I accomplish all my tasks for the day.
Today I submitted my application for graduate school in KUT. I also filed for a scholarship
grant. I'm not even sure if I did the right thing. I just kept on telling myself that I have
to go back to Korea. I don't fully understand it myself. I don't want to admit that it's colonial mentality, because I love my country so much too. I'm not sensitive with what the Holy Spirit is saying, and I have so many doubts and fears too. But the desire is there. The magnetic pull is strong. Though I can't fully explain why, I guess I will follow my heart. Even if the heart can be very deceiving, I will trust it this time.
Today, I realized, again, how valuable companionship is. It is more convenient to live in 51 mat, but it couldn't and will never replacethe excitement you feel to freely converse and laugh with your friends.
Today, I was tempted to do things my way. I wanted to give myself a break from a restless day. But I couldn't waste time. I know that if I stop now, things will only get worse. My diploma is only a few meters away. I can't let it go.
No matter how hard depression, despair and struggles challenge me, I will not give this up.
I will also keep my faith in God alive in this season.
Just mechanically working
June 16, 2009, 8:58pm
I don't know what I have been doing lately.
I feel something but I push it again to that corner of my heart
June 17, 2009, 11:45pm
I'm in Tapa King again, trying to finish my thesis. Without She with me, I have no one to talk to. After a few hours of trying to fight sleepiness with MP3s, my ears got tired of the
earphones stuck to it.
Now, I have no choice but listen to Ogie Alcasid's songs. And I'm starting to get crazy again, feeling that "feeling that I keep tucking away for several years now."
I feel like I don't have the right to love anyone, for all those that I loved before failed to reciprocate my affection. I keep on pushing the thought of falling in love again. I want to wait patiently like Ate Shawie and Ate Gavs, but it's getting really tough.
Good thing that I've got a lot in my hands to help keep my mind focus on.
Just like achieving my college diploma. Yihee!
Looking for a penpal
June 17,2009, 11:58
Funny because I feel like I'm longing for a penpal. Someone to write with.
I wished Gyeong Min eonni and Ate Louie were not busy mothers and academicians. I wished I could write to them more. But I'm always afraid to disturb anyone, especially those close to my heart.
And so in this solitude, I bank in God and in Pinkie.
But well. I have to admit that everyday, I'm also anticipating both of my elder sisters' emails.
When will I find out?
June 18, 2009, 2:02am
When will I find out if I could go back to Korea?
When will my heart be settled from worrying about the near future?
When will I finish what I am supposed to accomplish?
When will I see the sun rise without the burden of dragging myself to move?
When will I find peace and comfort in solitude?
When will I be satisfied with where I am placed by my God, my Maker, my Master?
When will my mind stop designing the path where I should be treading next?
When will I trust, completely, His heart, not just His hands
Holding this precious life?
Fighting
June 19, 2009, 12:22am
I know I have been trained for this battle. I may be crying now, but I'm sure I will be holding the victory when this struggle ends.
I'm in Tapa King again, this time with the sun shining brightly with the puffy clouds. This place has been my writing office for several weeks now (I always get the same spot I picked when I first went here)I feel so stressed out, tired and fearful. I wanted to turn my mobile phone off and head to my parents' home.
I want to give up, but my will to reach the finish line is stronger. I'm fighting every bit of discouragement right now, and it is really tearing my heart apart. I'm barely surviving with worship songs.
Aileen, my best friend, just called me. I know that she completely understands how I feel at this time. I thank God for having her in my life.
And so with my eyes all red, I force my brain to keep on working and maximize the precious hours I have left.
Father's Day
June 22, 2009, 1:54am
Another Father's Day has gone by. My family celebrated it a week earlier. I gave my father a greeting card and wrapped a nice necktie for him. I never got his response though.
I loved the sermon this morning. Or maybe I was biased with the preacher, Pastor Joey Bonifacio. But then again, I knew it was God's words that touched my heart, not his communication skills.
It was the same old father and son passage: The Prodigal Story. I've heard it preached, maybe a hundred times, since I got to know Christ when I was eight years old.
Today, what struck me was God's desire to restore relationships, no matter how bad it got or how wrecked it was. God, as a Father, is very patient, very loving.
I miss spending time with this kind of a father. I miss sitting on His lap.
And I also wonder whether my earthly father can turn into a father of grace more than a father of discipline. My bothers, my mother and I hope he becomes a genuine loving father before any of us dies.
Losing
June 22, 2009, 2:04am
I'm losing hope
I'm losing energy
I'm losing the strong will to finish
I'm losing faith
I'm losing productivity.
I need to be restored.
I cry out for help.
I cry out for mercy.
I cry out for life
And unquenchable desire to live it to the fullest.
Thankful
June 23, 2009, 3:31 am
I'm just very thankful for how God nurtures me everyday. I don't deserve His mercy, grace and kindness but I experience them everyday.
Today, I had free lunch from Mam Alma, one of my mentors and special mothers. She also gave me a very vital information for my thesis. She is indeed a big blessing in my life.
Most of the time, I only hear the sound of thunderstorms in my life and forget to appreciate the small things that God does for me everyday.
And so no matter how hopeless I may feel, I will do my best to appreciate the coolness that raindrops bring to my scorching heart.
Arrows and Bubbles
June 24, 2009, 12:25am
Was it Wednesday or Thursday last week when I last sat down in the morning to read the Bible? The only thing I remembered was to take care of what slips through my tongue.
As a very expressive woman, I've always fallen into the trap of trying to be myself without realizing that I am hurting someone in the process.
These past days, I've been causing pain, unintentionally, to people I love. I value relationships and I really hate myself when I come to the point of wanting to delete all the words I have spoken to hearts and minds.
But well, just like what I've mentioned in my Social Psychology class essays, words are like arrows and bubbles. They either hit the mark or destroy. They appear, disappear and never come back again.
I should have heed the warning. I should have avoided the traps.
But well, I have nothing left to do but to repent and do my best not to repeat the same mistakes.
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