Missing while hating

I hate him. But I miss him too. I'm standing on a gray line and I don't know whether to end the relationship or give the friendship another try.

This seems to be a neverending issue. And what I hate about it is that I think I'm the only one feeling this way. And no one understands why I do.

I'm about to leave Korea. And I'm really having a difficult time because of this unstable concern. Honestly, I don't know how to confront this anymore. And I can't figure out what the root of the matter is. Is it my pride? My fears? My selfishness?

When will I talk to him? Or send another email? How long will I stop myself from swinging back and forth like a pendulum? How long will I pretend to be "level headed" about this "suffering" (as he would always refer to).

If I can talk to him right this moment what should I say? How will I start? How will I end?

Maybe I can start with saying "I'm Sorry."

"I'm sorry that I couldn't be honest with you anymore. I'm sorry that I couldn't trust you anymore. I'm sorry that I didn't make an effort to explain why I kept on acting this way.

Do you know how much I struggled when I found out that you are joining the Winter Vacation English program? I didn't want to have further and frequent interactions with you. I thought it will be better if I don't see you anymore. I thought it will be more helpful to me since I have started to detach from you. I thought it would be better to hate you from a distance.

But at the same time there was a faint beam of excitement. In a corner of my heart, I wished that we can spend my remaining weeks in Korea together. These days, I don't have to worry about trying to fit in your busy schedule. We can eat together, walk together, sing together, share stories, visit some places, and just have pure fun.

And so along with my worries sprout anticipation. I waited for you to ask me if we can talk, if we can eat, sing or just stroll together. I just waited because I'm afraid to ask you. I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid that you'd just come because I am your "responsibility."

That was the word. From the moment you told me that I am your "responsibility", I started to question my relationship with you. Don't get me wrong. I also agree that friends (or even siblings) should be responsible for one another. But I couldn't face the truth that it was the primary word that comes to your mind when you think of me. I also couldn't accept that after being so open about ourselves you suddenly choose to keep me out of some vital areas of your life. I wanted to respect you and support you because you said 'there are things that a man should handle by himself.' But I couldn't because I knew that it wasn't just because you want to be a real man standing and enduring by yourself. Or when times that you can't figure out things by yourself, you'd better find another male friend to confide with. I can't see anything wrong in doing that. What I find confusing is the idea that you don't want to unburden your heart to me because you don't want me to feel jealous, to feel hurt, to feel mistreated. You just want to be there for me when I need you because you were there on the onset to help me adjust and enjoy my life in a foreign country and because I was also there for you when you needed a friend to understand and support you.

In a way, you were right. I was jealous. And hurt. Why? Because I'm your friend. I'm your sister. As you said, I'm your soul mate. It's definitely NOT because I want your attention, or I want you to like me. It's because you've taken away my right and privilege to care for you like before. To be a confidante. To be a supporter. Or simply to be someone you enjoy hanging out with. Someone you enjoy talking with that you don't mind the long hours fade away.

I was hurt because you couldn't and wouldn't believe me that I don't have special feelings for you anymore. At the back of your mind, you always want to be careful that I won't "suffer" anymore.

I thought you understood me and saw my real heart. How in the world could have I endured and enjoyed being friends with Yoojin or Jolly if all I wanted was to like you or have you for myself? I may be selfish and sensitive but I'm not a narrow minded person nor do I have a covetous heart.

My selfishness only amounts to wanting companionship. My vulnerability only covers the longing to be constantly valued for who I am and needed regardless of my age and gender. Are those too much? Is it too much to feel bad because you have time to call Jolly and consult her, but not me? Is it too much to expect a little from you? I'm not even expecting you to give me time, gifts or treats. I was just hoping to be treated purely and normally as a friend. I just wanted to be updated about what is going on with your life. Is that also too much to wish for?

A friend told me recently, "Always remember that life is like the stage act. You are the director and main actor so you can either change or retain certain characters in the storyline and that will determine what life story you will have."

I agree with her. But not entirely. I agree that I am the main actor in my stage play. But I am not the director. God is. He brought characters around me for a purpose: to bring meaning to my life. I can avoid, refuse to cooperate and turn my back on characters that I don't like to be with, but God, as the director, holds the final shot. Only He can retain, remove or substitute people in my life.

He brought you to me in this particular life scenario where my vulnerability is exposed to a lot of risks and harm. I must be thankful because He protected me by having you around to help me act my character out well.

And I feel so restless because I started to despise you. I wanted to have dinner with you last Christmas Eve. I wanted to buy you some fruit, medicine, and juices to help you be relieved from your cold and cough. I wanted to ask you to eat together. I wanted to ask you to be actively involved in the production of the Winter Play. I wanted to ask you to study together in the library. I wanted to ask you to go to Seoul on weekends when you feel better. I wanted to do many things for you before I leave, but I can't.

I can't because I don't know what will happen next.

I have close male friends in the past that I cared for, supported so much and eventually liked. I also went through the agony of being taken for granted and of being compared with other female friends. I went through the pain of waiting to heal and stabilize my emotions. But it didn't take too much time until I renewed my relationships with them. It didn't take long before they started calling me again as if nothing happened. It didn't take so much effort to be closer friends than before. Even while distance, resources, time, goals, interests, beliefs and passion separate us, I am secured that at any point in time, I can generously show my care, I can freely ask, I can liberally believe that they appreciate, cherish and need me.

With you, I'm not even sure if anything can be restored. I feel sorry that I keep on bothering you with the apprehension of totally parting away. I'm sorry that my actions are hard to understand. I am sorry that language, along with many other differences, makes it more difficult to "meet halfway".

I'm not sure if I'm coming back to Korea. I'm not sure if I will regret letting the comradeship go. I'm not sure if this will give me the peace of mind I wanted so much. "

Yes, I am not sure of anything else. But as my resolution for this year goes, I will keep on moving forward and hope for the best to come.