Chopseuy

My mind is a mixture of thoughts and my heart a bowl of emotions. I want to write about friendship, about controlling my day (and not getting controlled), and about how I still feel (honestly) about him. But here I am, wanting to sleep as soon as I can, and worrying about my Korean class tomorrow. I hate this kind of feeling. I hate this suppression. Especially when I'm in the mood to write a long chronicle of my complicated days.

And I especially hate the contradictions of my thoughts, feelings and actions. At one point, I want to leave him alone and never come back to his side, and then at another second, I'll bother about my dream of him laying his head on my shoulder. I saw him today and I want to tease him like before. I want to give him a pat, or a hug. I want to talk with him and ask about his day. I soooooo miss him. But then again, I pushed the control buttons and just managed to call his name, smile and give his tummy two small punches.

Why do I keep on thinking of him when I now know that he values me less? I'm wasting more energy and I'm losing my precious time. But why? Why does he occupy a corner of my heart and never leaves it no matter how hard I push him away? Or am I really trying hard?

Well, this inner debate frustrates me every second of the day and I hope to claim my freedom soon. Very soon.